For a change, I'm not talking about the counter help...though they represented the dumber side of life, too. The drugged-out chunk o'lard making my sandwich was definitely an officer in the club. Kept losing her place in the ol' Sammich-Makin' Routine, staring off into space and losing the ability to see and hear. But she didn't hold a candle to the Dunce-Master behind us in line.
He starts out, holding one of those little discount cards, the ones that get you a free six-inch sub with the purchase of a drink and chips. He's flipping it in his fingers, kinda smugly. The other counter-chick (who looks like she's had a long day already) asks him what he wants, and he responds with "Oh, I'm just here for my free sub." Oh, are you? Well, isn't that pleasant.
She points out to him that the sub is free with the purchase of chips and a drink, to which he gets a bit of an attitude, and says "Oh really? And just where does it say that?" in this condescending tone that made me want to throttle him. She tiredly points out to him that it says so, plainly, on the card. OK, he's now been called out in public, in front of other customers, etc., and he looks like a chump. Little did I know that the fun was just beginning. I giggled at him, and he shot me a bit of a look. He declares that it says a free sandwich, so he thought it would be free...christ, how many times have people said that? Get it through your heads, kids, you don't get things for truly free, it doesn't work that way.
She explains to him, again, that you have to buy something to get it for free. So, he decides that since they are "forcing him to buy something", he'll get the ol' '2 sandwiches for $8.99' deal, and then he wants the sandwich for free. However, the card ALSO says that it is not valid with any other deal, but since he didn't read it in the first place, he doesn't know this, and gets confused (and then a little indignant) when the chick tries to explain to him that since that is a special price deal, it will not qualify him for his free sandwich. Now, at this point, I have to move away from him, because I cannot stop giggling at him. Besides, I'm still trying to figure out why he didn't just spend the $2 or so for chips and a drink and get his damn freebie sandwich instead of now spending $10...but that attributes a level of cranial activity to this moron that I doubt he could scrape up even if he crammed a live skunk into his head.
So, now, we have the long, tortuous sequence of this guy getting his two foot-long sandwiches. He selects a pair of breads, apparently at random, and then a pair of sandwiches at random. When asked if he wants the first on the cheese-bread or the other, he declares that he's "not picky" (Frank snorts and giggles again - Captain Crass shoots him another look). When asked what he wants on the sandwiches, he responds "Oh, as long as I have to get them, I want everything on them, everything...well, everything that goes with them." GOES WITH THEM?!? This isn't a Rodeo Drive fashion boutique, no one is going to advise you on how to accessorize your food effectively. Now, me, I'd have said "ooooookay!" and loaded that sandwich with absolutely everything we had for a sandwich: jalapeños, cucumbers,a shot of every sauce...that sandwich would have been downright inedible (well, I'd do this after I stifled the laughter that bubbled up from the depths of my cold, black heart). But, to this girl's credit, she stuck to principles of good customer service and actually mentioned that one of his sandwiches usually only came with this one particular sauce, etc.
It's probably good that we left about this point, since it would have gotten ugly had I stayed there any longer. I swear, some days, it's just not worth the effort to chew through the leather straps.