I've come to a point in certain areas of my thinking. The problem is that there is no further I can really go, as it's hit a particular crossroads, and the decision of which way to go is not one I can decide. It boils down to this:
- A) my thinking is wrong, and thus I need to let things go on in the manner that they are progressing, and this is just the way the world is and I expect too much...or....Now, the thing is this: no matter which decision I make in my mind, the outside world will go in a pretty much predetermined pattern. Which means my decision is really THESE two choices:
- B) my thinking is right, and since I am outnumbered, the situation in question will turn out just like I think it will, and in the end, it'll be fucked up and I'll be able to say "I told you so", but of course, I won't
- A) I express my thoughts, and they don't really matter...or...And, since we all know Ol' Papa Chaos pretty well, we know what's gonna happen, he's gonna want to express himself, but he'll end up internalizing it all, as usual, out of deference to others' feelings. In the end, either it'll end up like he thought, and he'll feel justified, but of course, he won't say anything, he'll just try to deal with the situation and be bitter since he'll feel like it would have worked if they'd just listened to him, or it'll work out differently than he thought, and he'll be bitter that he was wrong.
- B) I internalize them, and just try to handle things as they come, even though I may be all but violently opposed to the situation
Talking to
nythien recently, I said "Man, I'm messed up." When told that I wasn't, my response was something along the lines of "Christ, I hope I am, I'd hate to think this is 'normal'. At least if I AM messed up, I could get help." I need a drink, I need some friends around, I need to game...I need a Valium, maybe.