Then there's the music teacher, who directs these things. I gotta talk to him, one of these days, offer my help. This man has NO ability to speak in public, whatsoever. He gets the mic, and even when he's READING, it's "uh, um, uh, yeah and um, um, uh"...*twitch* Makes me want to throttle him. Then, THEN, he goes to cue up the music for all this, and he always manages to fuck it up. Once, OK, it happens, but each time I've seen him do this, he's screwed up getting the music started. Hell, this time he had the music in files on his laptop, and he STILL couldn't get it working right. Not exactly confidence-inspiring.
Still, the worst part? The parents. Oh, man, I wanna just brain the lot of them. Especially when the whole thing is over and they start to, not just applaud, but stand up and start cheering, "WOO-HOO!!! Yeah!!!", like their favourite sports team just won the series. Save it for the stadium. They break down into a few obvious categories:
- The Historian: this type has their camera (usually video), and simply HAS to get every possible moment on film/video, so they get up, blocking people's view, moving about, staring into the viewscreen or eyepiece. They tend to focus on their child in the kiddie crowd of thirty, zooming in fro close-ups, zooming out to prove that others are there but theirs is cutest...all the while ignoring that there's no way to actually hear their child in all this, unless they are horribly off-key and loud.
- The Factory: this parent has multiple children, but instead of taking care of them, these children are made, equipped, and set free. These are the parents you see, sitting around, usually in sweats or jumpsuits, who have given a small toddler a bottle and a blanket and let it wander. Wander, in a large gym full of people they don't know. They just watch it go as it bumps people around, trailing snot, drool and milk on strangers. They have at least a third child in their arms/stroller, and maybe a fourth, older, looking bored with a GameBoy
- The Agent: I probably don't have to describe this one. This one decided, as their child turned one and sang some little tune, that their child was an artistic genius and would be famous. Their child on stage is always dressed to the nines, meant to make them even more attractive, and instead making them look like a freak as they stand there with the rest of the kids in jeans and t-shirts. Their child always has the biggest smile, and the parent is most likely to be pointing them out to others, and chattering on about other things their child has done. Combines well with the Historian, except that they never zoom out
- The CEO: Easy to spot, just look for the suit and cellphone. They've taken time out of their busy schedule to be here for their child, but they still just GOTTA take this ONE call. At least they are usually kind enough to take the call outside, or stay at the back and keep it down, they're not obnoxious, just workaholics.
- The Coach: Can be male or female. DEFINITELY in sweats, but not the same sweats as the Factory; these are made for movement and corporate logo display. They carry a large keyring with a carabiner on it, so it can clip to a sports bag. They tend to have an older child who is probably dressed in a sports jersey of some sort (this may be due to coming from practice, or just a fashion thing), and they don't really care about this performance, so they seek out other parents from the team, and talk to them about the next game, etc., louder than they should
- The Victim: This one has a shell-shocked look to them, and you just know you could snap your fingers in front of them and they wouldn't flinch. This one also has multiple kids, but isn't even equipping them, they're just sitting there, blank, hoping this performance lasts for a while, because their kids are just running wild, and in this big a crowd, surely nothing will happen to them...so this is the only quiet they have. Hard to spot, sometimes, but the kids aren't: they're the ones climbing on everything, rolling on the floor, and generally being a nuisance.