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15 April 2005 @ 10:15 am
So, last night's little school thing wasn't TOO bad. Pretty standard, twice-a-year, whoopdedoo; a bunch of kids on stage, singing a bunch of songs they only halfway know, and only halfway wanting to be there. Dianna even noted to me at one point, "I don't see a single one of the boys that looks like he wants to be here." Of course not, these are 'cute' songs, and these boys are 9 years old and growing. 'Cute' is not their milieu. Meanwhile, they all supposedly are related 9this time) into some "coherent story" making this a full performance, but of course, through the fact that every other line starts out with only a dozen singing (until the others remember the words) and most of them are off-key, you really don't know what's going on.

Then there's the music teacher, who directs these things. I gotta talk to him, one of these days, offer my help. This man has NO ability to speak in public, whatsoever. He gets the mic, and even when he's READING, it's "uh, um, uh, yeah and um, um, uh"...*twitch* Makes me want to throttle him. Then, THEN, he goes to cue up the music for all this, and he always manages to fuck it up. Once, OK, it happens, but each time I've seen him do this, he's screwed up getting the music started. Hell, this time he had the music in files on his laptop, and he STILL couldn't get it working right. Not exactly confidence-inspiring.

Still, the worst part? The parents. Oh, man, I wanna just brain the lot of them. Especially when the whole thing is over and they start to, not just applaud, but stand up and start cheering, "WOO-HOO!!! Yeah!!!", like their favourite sports team just won the series. Save it for the stadium. They break down into a few obvious categories:
  • The Historian: this type has their camera (usually video), and simply HAS to get every possible moment on film/video, so they get up, blocking people's view, moving about, staring into the viewscreen or eyepiece. They tend to focus on their child in the kiddie crowd of thirty, zooming in fro close-ups, zooming out to prove that others are there but theirs is cutest...all the while ignoring that there's no way to actually hear their child in all this, unless they are horribly off-key and loud.
  • The Factory: this parent has multiple children, but instead of taking care of them, these children are made, equipped, and set free. These are the parents you see, sitting around, usually in sweats or jumpsuits, who have given a small toddler a bottle and a blanket and let it wander. Wander, in a large gym full of people they don't know. They just watch it go as it bumps people around, trailing snot, drool and milk on strangers. They have at least a third child in their arms/stroller, and maybe a fourth, older, looking bored with a GameBoy
  • The Agent: I probably don't have to describe this one. This one decided, as their child turned one and sang some little tune, that their child was an artistic genius and would be famous. Their child on stage is always dressed to the nines, meant to make them even more attractive, and instead making them look like a freak as they stand there with the rest of the kids in jeans and t-shirts. Their child always has the biggest smile, and the parent is most likely to be pointing them out to others, and chattering on about other things their child has done. Combines well with the Historian, except that they never zoom out
  • The CEO: Easy to spot, just look for the suit and cellphone. They've taken time out of their busy schedule to be here for their child, but they still just GOTTA take this ONE call. At least they are usually kind enough to take the call outside, or stay at the back and keep it down, they're not obnoxious, just workaholics.
  • The Coach: Can be male or female. DEFINITELY in sweats, but not the same sweats as the Factory; these are made for movement and corporate logo display. They carry a large keyring with a carabiner on it, so it can clip to a sports bag. They tend to have an older child who is probably dressed in a sports jersey of some sort (this may be due to coming from practice, or just a fashion thing), and they don't really care about this performance, so they seek out other parents from the team, and talk to them about the next game, etc., louder than they should
  • The Victim: This one has a shell-shocked look to them, and you just know you could snap your fingers in front of them and they wouldn't flinch. This one also has multiple kids, but isn't even equipping them, they're just sitting there, blank, hoping this performance lasts for a while, because their kids are just running wild, and in this big a crowd, surely nothing will happen to this is the only quiet they have. Hard to spot, sometimes, but the kids aren't: they're the ones climbing on everything, rolling on the floor, and generally being a nuisance.
...and then there's the Unwashed Masses, but that's just almost Everyone Else. me, I just look around for anyone doing what I'm doing: watching these yahoos and laughing at them. I give them a silent nod, they give me a smile, and we know we're above these sad humans.
Current Music: Collide - Pandora's Box
UnRepentantunrepentant on April 15th, 2005 05:18 pm (UTC)
Great - I have a carabiner on my keys but I've had it for years...
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Rollarchmage on April 15th, 2005 05:21 pm (UTC)
But you're not running around, being the sports Dad, and annoying people. So you're off the hook.

Hell, I had one for while, years ago, it was useful. I still have a spring clip, for hooking it to my belt loop.
UnRepentantunrepentant on April 15th, 2005 05:26 pm (UTC)
Just put my keys on it WAY back when I did warehousing in college.
Mrs. Mthisismostlyme on April 15th, 2005 05:34 pm (UTC)
When my kids have a school performance, I clap loudly and have been known to stand up and applaud. But that's just to embarress them.
Betsedivinemissb on April 15th, 2005 07:33 pm (UTC)
heheh, my brother-in-law is the ultimate Historian. Everything gets recorded. He even posts the videos on their family website for the grandparents (who live in other states) to view.
bojo427bojo427 on April 15th, 2005 10:00 pm (UTC)
I was really worried I was going to see myself somewhere in your descriptions, I'm the one standing and hollering cheers at the end of the whole thing. For all the kids though, not just mine.

Jordan has thus far avoided the whole preformance scene; he's been in chess club but we were not instructed to attend. They just got together and played some games, no contests, no playoffs-
We just filled out his registration papers for jr. high (I quake in fear, that's when I "went bad" {not really, I ended up mostly okay}) and he has decided he wants to play drums in the band. Looks like our escape during the elemetary years will be paid back in spades now.
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Rollarchmage on April 15th, 2005 10:26 pm (UTC)
At least by that point, though, they're playing because they WANT to play, it's not some crappy music teacher forcing them to do some stupid choral ditty.
Rowennalapis_lunamoth on April 18th, 2005 07:34 pm (UTC)

My mother is so much The Historian, that for the past several years, in all the pictures we have of our family we're all wearing the same expression of "for fucksake just take the damn picture and sit down and don't get up and take another one five seconds later because if you do I'm going to rip it out of your hands and jump up and down on it and laugh like the insane person you have turned me into with your incessant clicking and flashing and taping". Yeah. *shudders* no pun intended...

I think you should rename the last one "The Flatliner" because those are most likely to be the parents who will latch onto you with a horrible sob story about anything if they can, and how absolutely none of it was their fault.
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: We Think It's Funnyarchmage on April 18th, 2005 07:41 pm (UTC)
My mom was the same way...always with the camera. Woman has SHELVES of photo albums from the time she and my Dad got married, forward. just constantly clicking the shutter. Drove me BATSHIT.

Ah, no, that's a whole other category, The Plaintiff, always with the story of how this happened and ?that happened, and of COURSE it was no fault of THEIR child (or themselves) and how COULD they let this sort of thing go on, and of COURSE they are writing a letter to the principal/manager/congressman and joing the Mothers Against ______ protest about this, blah, blah, blah...

...just didn't include that group, since they weren't too active at a choir recital. but they are there, OH YES, they are there...