God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll (archmage) wrote,
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll
archmage

  • Music:
Well, no plans for Memorial Day, just kinda hung about the house. Dianna's back was still a bit twitchy, but not as bad as it had been. Was kind of a weird day for me. Having Erik around the entire day isn't normal (usually it's a school day, so it's just the evening, and Sundays, we're usually at the farm, and we're somewhat occupied), so there was more to deal with. Not that I mind, don't take it that way, just means there's more opportunities for those things that bother me about him and my situation to come up. This came to a head, just a bit, at one point, but it seems to have worked out in the end. Let's just say that only half of what was being said was heard, due to the times and capacities of when some things were spoken, but we worked it out: I showed the other half that was missed and I apologized for how I had presented it all, she realized what she missed and apologized for missing it. Communication, I tell ya...there's NOTHING that beats it for making a relationship strong.

Mostly, it was good though. The Yuppie (the one that had me rewire his entertainment systems) gave Erik a really nice little microscope set, so Erik wanted to check stuff out, so I cut myself for him to see blood. Eh, what's one more tiny wound, right? He thought it rocked. Also, he saw me putting my new Hot Wheels cars in my collection, and decided that he wanted to coordinate all of his as well (I have a small tag with each of mine detailing the year, name, and set), so we sat down, got them all out, and made a list of each one he had.

Made a couple changes around the house, as well, last night. The biggest is that I had been talking with Dianna, and we agreed that the time had come for him to give up the night-light. This seemed like a good time to do it, since, with the longer summer days, he would get some light in through the blinds to make up for the loss of the night-light, and that would help the transition, plus the school year is about to be over, so it wouldn't be compounded with the stress of school. He didn't take the news well, not at all. You could easily see he was doing everything he could to hold back the tears, he wouldn't keep his head up, would barely talk. Man, that's tough to deal with...you understand why he's hurting here, but you know, as a parent, you have to help them grow up, and part of that is taking away the crutches and making them walk. I sat down with him and talked to him, a good 20 minutes or so, just talking, letting him know that I understood, and that I was a little guy once, too, hard as it may be to believe. Tried to help him understand his fear, and why it could be released. Showed him how the light from outside would make up for the lack of night light, and help him get used to it. Even told him some embarrassing stuff from my own childhood to help his see that we all have these moments. Helped him see how this was a growing experience, and how good he was gonna feel when he was through it. In the end, he was not only in a better mood, he was kinda looking forward to it. Reinforced it by sitting there for a minute after the lights were out to show him how much light he really did have, and he was actually surprised.

Spent the rest of the evening on the computer or watching terrible old horror flicks, with Di asleep on my chest. Got her to bed, and proceeded to stay up until 3am reading...and even then, only went to sleep because I finished my book and didn't want to start a new one. Normally, I wake up just enough to tell Di goodbye in the mornings, but I made a point of getting up today to see how Erik did, and I was damn pleased to see that he was in decent spirits and to hear him say that he did fine last night. They left, and I went back to bed, so I could try to get some more sleep. Instead, I just laid there and alternately smiled and cried, a little.

Yeah, big ol' bear Chaos cried. Know why? Because, for all I do, for all the positive influence I am on Erik, for all the potential I see in him, his mongoloid father is still in his life. My work gets undone by another household that doesn't know shit about how to raise a child, and that undeserving little shit gets to spend more time with him, have more say in his life, and gets to be called Daddy. I'm thankful for what I have and what I get because it is better than nothing...but that is still just unfair. These people are not fit to raise a child, and not deserving of it, and yet they influence this wonderful kid, this good and growing child who is, frankly, one of the best kids I know, and that's not my bias as his step-father, I mean he's polite, he's caring, he's smart, he's inquisitive, he's not talking like a jackass or wearing his clothes hanging off his ass or being an annoying little selfish fuck or caught up in every little trend, etc. He's a damn good kid, and I'm proud of him, and I'm glad I can tell him that.

I'm rambling and getting maudlin, sorry. Happens. Just hard to deal with, and not something I feel like talking about, since there isn't anything to do about it but to keep on keeping on. One day, he WILL be old enough to think for himself, and to see the world for what it is, and if I'm lucky, he'll be able to look back and see that I was always there for him, helping grow, proud of his progress, helping him to become the man he is (hopefully positive!), and if I'm really lucky, he'll also see that his father was the useless turd that he is, and didn't teach him or raise him as much as just buy his love. That's a lot of "if I'm luckys". And maybe it won't happen. But it's the right thing to do, so I do it.
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    Jim Jeffries On Why Other Countries Think US Gun Laws Are Crazy Pretty well sums it all up, as far as I'm concerned.

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