God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll (archmage) wrote,
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll
archmage

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Yeah, Sure, Whatever

OK, I've been trying to be really good about not ranting about movies, because, well, frankly, I'm sick and tired of being told what a bad person I am for having higher standards for my entertainment. So, your option is to NOT click on the LJ-cut below. One fuckin' word, I swear...

OK, I've known for a while that a movie was being made of the popular video game, "BloodRayne". For those that aren't familiar, here's a quickie synopsis (stolen from elsewhere):
Cleavage n. (kleevij) 1. The act of splitting or cleaving. 2. The hollow between a woman's breasts, especially as revealed by a low neckline.

This is the only word which can accurately describe all that is Bloodrayne, from its excessive gore and blood to the amount of "money shots" given throughout the game. There is slicing and dicing as well as jiggling and giggling. This game epitomizes what a stereotypical heterosexual male wants: lots of guns, gore, grime and girls. Rayne is not your average vampire, no, no... She is a DHAMPIR; a melding of the best qualities of both vampire [bloodsuckage, ownage, and sexage] and human [resistance to sunlight, resistance to water, sexage] parents. She is charged by the BRIMSTONE SOCIETY [some people in awful black hoods, very unstylish] to stop some Nazi bastards from destroying the world by reawakening Beliar [who is, apparently, the original devil. Or something.] Sexy vampiress killing Nazi bastards; what more could you want?
Pretty simplistic, as you can imagine. There's even a sequel. Now, I played the first one, and was WAY bored by halfway through; there's only so much mindless button-mashing I can take for so long with a plot-line that is thin at best, and no strategy other than "get-close-to-enemy-and-smack-the-buttons" while wandering needlessly labyrinthine areas and back-tracking to get to another area where you'll do it all again. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. No wonder it did so well: it took no mental capacity at all, and starred a hot chick in skin-tight, skimpy clothes that moaned lasciviously when she fed on someone and shook her tits a lot.

Anyway, as you can imagine, this is just RIPE for Hollywood. Guns, gore, and gazongas, plot optional. So, here it comes...but, wait, what's this? It's not following the plot of either game, but rather is a "prequel" of sorts. Not really an "origin" prequel, though it does seem to mention where she came from. In the end, it's the same as the above, but set in the 17th century...just no guns (and I'll bet a crossbow or two shows up).

Interesting that they chose a little-known actress to play the lead role (not completely unknown, though, she was the T-X in Terminator 3), and she's cute. Ben Kingsley plays her father, and he always kicks ass. Michael Madsen is usually worth the watch, and Michelle Rodriguez shows up to be an action chick with no acting ability...AGAIN. Hell, Meat Loaf, Billy Zane, Michael Paré and Udo Kier make appearances, that's cool. Some nice cast in the main roles, and that's a vote in it's favour.

Oh, but what's this? Who's directing? It's the undisputed King of "let's-turn-this-video-game-into-one-of-the-worst-films-ever", Uwe Boll! Well, that just shattered any confidence I might have had in the film. The man needs to get away from video game films...but a quick look at his announced and upcoming films shows that he has decided that this is his niche. I really wish he wasn't directing the upcoming Dungeon Siege movie. As for the writer? Guinevere Turner? Who the Hell is that? Well, she wrote the travesty of a screenplay that was American Psycho, for one. She's written a few others, and acted bit parts in several films. Not exactly a good crutch for the film, here.

Well, I gave it a shot anyway. I got the trailer from the official site. Holy shite, that was horrible. Just useless. So cliché, it hurts, nothing that changed my opinion in the least. I really had hoped something would push the cloud back, at least a little, but no such luck. Sad part is that trailers tend to show you some of the best things, to draw you in...and if this is the best it has to offer, then it's further in the shitter than I thought it would be. The whole trailer is just...just....crass, perhaps. Not even crass, because it's not strong enough to be crass, it's just sad. As a nit-picky thing, they messed up her blades, but since it's 400 years ago, I can let that go. Earlier versions or something.

Well, chalk that up to one more film I don't need to waste my time on.
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  • Bah, Kids

    When I went to take the trash can to the curb for pick-up today, i discovered that my jack'o'lantern is missing. I guess someone chose to steal it,…

  • Halloween, Devalued

    With little to work with, i pulled together a "biker" costume kinda thing. Lit the jack'o'lantern, put up some lights, and sat on the front porch…

  • (no subject)

    Jessica has never had the opportunity to make a Jack'o'lantern, so we had to get that happenin'. Say hello to Posey, our "we have no spare cash"…