I don't talk about it much, because that's just not me. From the day I was diagnosed as cyclothymic, I decided I did not want to be on meds, and I felt it wasn't bad enough to warrant it anyway. I wanted to handle it myself, in my own way. An arrogant attitude, but I'm glad I did. It taught me a lot about handling moods and adversity, and how to put aside my feelings to do what needed to be done.
Anyway, that was back in college. That means I've dealt with this for, sheesh, 12, maybe 13 years now? Sounds longer than it feels when I say it out loud like that. What's changed my mind? I'm not sure. I'm willing to bet that a lot of it comes from just growing up, and being able to look back on things. Some of it is age...no, I'm no old man, but there's been a lot of living in my years so far. Part of it may be a different life situation that I find myself in than before. Part of it...who knows?
It's getting to the point, though, where I'm starting to feel it more. Now, this could mean that it's worse, or it could just mean that I'm older, or it could mean something else. I don't know, but I think I better talk to someone and see about it. I'm tired of things getting to me more than they should. I'm tired of feeling the way I do. And yet...I'm a little scared, too. I don't want to know that something is altering my mood, or that something will make me a different person.
But then, isn't that exactly what this problem does, alters my mood? Perhaps, but I've lived with it, made it a part of who I am, and so it no longer alters my mood externally, but is part of my psyche, so "curing" it would truly alter me. Hmm...you know, thinking about it, getting it out, brings me to a new conclusion. It's not the change I fear, because I've never feared change. For a moment, I thought it was that I feared the end result of the change, as unknown...but that's not it either. I'm entirely too homo nephilus for that.
So, I'm not fearing the change, or the result of change, and I know that what I'm changing is unhelpful, thus changing it would be a positive manoeuvre. Where does that leave me, and why does it cause a reaction? Is it simply my own arrogance disallowing me to groove on it? Entirely possible. Or maybe it's that I've been feeling a phase for a couple days, and I'm simply caught up in it? Also possible. Regardless, it's still a good idea that I get the ball rolling on this.
Hmm. Things to ponder.