God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll (archmage) wrote,
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll
archmage

Hostel? No Thanks.

When I first started seeing the trailers for Hostel, I was intrigued. Hey, I'm a big fan of the Saw flicks, this looked similar. However, I never managed to get around to seeing it. Well, a co-worker of swanwhite's happened to buy the DVD for her as a gift (which was awfully sweet of her), so we sat down to see it tonight, geared up for what we expected to be a fun ride.

Boy, was I let down.

Let's see here, the film was basically two parts.
-- Part One: Idiot College boys Hunting Euro-Pussy: Was I the only one that WANTED the whiner to die? Man, I was sick of him within five minutes. Fuckin' useless. The other, Mr. Smooth, so one-dimensional and wooden, I thought he was a plank. Apparently, you throw enough tits into a film, and you don't need much else. Boring, slow, nothing happens other than making sure the guys have something to drool over and setting up Captain Weirdo for later on.

-- Part Two: Everything Old Is New Again, Right?: When they finally got Mr. Smooth into the torture cell, I was ready to see all the hype (hell, the DVD we have is the "sicker and more twisted uncut" version). This Is What I Came Here For. The pay-off? Some of the most overused clichés, unbelievably convenient moments, and dumbest choices in cinema history, coupled with a seriously crappy prosthetic. The chainsaw cutting the handcuff chain. The 'slipping-in-the-blood' moment leading to the chainsaw injury. The perfect shot to the head. The Crazy American plot exposition. The keys in the car. The girls (and the Russian) showing up in just the right/wrong place, at the right/wrong time, together. Running into Captain Weirdo...AGAIN...who happens to be using the same line...AGAIN...in an overly loud voice. The hand trauma that just, sorta, ceases to hurt. The eye and head trauma that just, sorta, ceases to hurt. The random but untimely police roadblock o' random brutality. And, Christ, that hideous prosthetic the Japanese girl wore...I've seen more realistic eyeballs at Party City...and why, once he cut off the hanging eye (which was a little weird, anyway), did a river of thick yellow pus run out of a DIFFERENT spot, one which was NOT her eye, but somewhere just below the huge bulge we are supposed to believe is a missing eyeball...apparently, her socket is just BRIMMING with immediate scar tissue, which formed up as fast as all that pus did. And, after all the time he took, sneaking around to get out, how did he get back inside, past everyone, so fast, directly to her cell and back out AGAIN?!? And, for the record, they speak DUTCH in Amsterdam, not GERMAN. Why the fuck everyone spoke German is beyond me.

The moment that chainsaw just sliced through the hardened high-tensile steel handcuff chain like it was butter, the film lost me, and it never managed to find me again. Sure, it was cool to see the people on the train platform sprayed with blood, or the Russian/Italian chick run over at high speed...but, damn, the film wasn't worth the watch. Completely disappointing. I'll tell you what it reminded me of, the game "Manhunt." They were so intent on making this "sick and twisted" and yet appealing (which seems to mean "get some semi-known hot guys, put them in a position where we can toss some blood around, and toss in as many young tits as you can pay for") that they forgot to make sure the film was any good or made any sense. I think I can say with absolute certainty that I will never bother watching that again.

Oh well. Maybe I can trade it in for something worth seeing.
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