God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll (archmage) wrote,
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll

It Never Ends

So, with such a long day today and so much to get done, I got Dianna up and took her with me to the farm. I won't go on and on about my day, let's just short-form it: up, out, Ray was already up (bonus), Di lays down, worse than before, get drugs in her, get everyone up, get Ray to PT/OT, drop him off, take Di to bank/drug store/food, drop off Di at clinic to get Erik's prescriptions (which she lost), go get Ray, take him to doctor, load him back up, go pick up Di, get back home, she pukes and goes back to bed, Rose gets home, get Di out of bed, get Ray into bed, come homeward, stop for groceries for a couple days, back home, Di back into bed, and NOW I can finally sit down long enough to hate my back pain.

You know what I've discovered? Strength can be a curse. Not saying it's all bad, 'cause it ain't. but, when you are the strong one, people learn to rely on you. That's great, until it becomes apparent that "rely" is exactly what they are doing. Now, that in itself isn't so bad. However, the real curse is this: you are the support system. You're the rock, the rope, the glue. People can talk to you, depend on you. If it ever comes up that YOU are the one who needs...you find nowhere to turn to. It's not that you don't have people who would be there for you, far from it; most who you've helped would happily return the favour if they have any shred of appreciation. It's not that at all...it's that you don't know how to use it. Seriously, that sounds stupid, but it's true; I don't have the slightest idea how to make any use of anyone who would even want to help. See, right now, my pain notwithstanding, I'd love to really let some steam off, but I couldn't begin to tell you how I'd do it. Talking things out doesn't help for me, because I've already done that in my head, and I know where that goes, what options are, etc. I have little to do that won't simply substitute one stress for another in some way. Someone could do for me what I'm doing so I don't have to, but that is, at best, a momentary reprieve, since I'd also have to teach them how to do it, and wonder if it was done right, and fix it when I went back later, etc...making it not much of a help. Besides, that's just that moment, it doesn't help the problem. Really and truly, the only thing that can be done for me is for those I'm doing for to do some of it themselves so they improve, meaning they get better and my job is easier and their situation improves. It's just a bad sitch, having to go from having all my own time to having almost none, and now for my care-taking duties to have doubled, such that the little time I DID have is gone now, as well. Anyway, the point there was that strength is all well and good, but it's a double-edged sword. Or maybe it's that no good deed goes unpunished. Hell, I dunno anymore. I'm functioning on almost pure caffeine and energy drink today, with a little stress and pain added in to make it spicy. All I'm saying is to appreciate the support system you have, and your ability to use it and function within it.

EDIT: Wow, the above is really depressing.

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