God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll (archmage) wrote,
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll

I have this apparently mutant desire for excellence, a need for things to be held to a standard that seems obvious to me but impossible and unnecessary to everyone else. I create or join projects and strive for it, and missing the mark bugs me, especially when others say it's fine. It's not fine to ME, dammit. Or, perhaps worse, I actually achieve my goal, and the significance of it is lost on everyone else, since less would have been "fine."

Why do I hate on Hollywood so much? Because they barely manage to be mediocre, and the few things that rise above it are shoved aside for the next load of crap. Same thing. My standards for entertainment are just as bad as my standards for myself. Even those things that DO hit my standards seem to be slipping.

I see the way parents raise their children and I want to scream "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE REALLY TEACHING YOUR CHILD?" It drives me beyond insane to watch these people babying their kids well into young adulthood, and then complaining how these kids seem to do nothing, learn nothing, make foolish choices...and blame teachers, schools, TV, video games, music, books, ANYTHING but themselves.

I watch the baseline of human intelligence, action, and innovation fall further and further every year, and I see NOTHING done to change it. I see a celebration of inferiority in every direction...I see the smart, the driven, the cream of this stupid, pathetic race being called down, and the polluted swine being allowed, nay, being ENCOURAGED to spew their drivel.

All of this, it is like a stench that fills my nostrils to overflowing, a torrent of putrescence that I either have to swim in or drown in...and I watch those around me glut themselves upon it and ask for more. I try, time and time again, to rise above it...but for what? To be alone? What prize is heaven when it results in isolation? So, with nothing to strive for...what point is there in trying?

The other option is to accept and join. Fah, and again I say no. If you hate, say, wasabi, I'm not going to expect you to just give up and eat it. Funny, then, that this is a response I get more often than I care to deal with. "Why can't you just enjoy it?" I'm asked, as if I'll just suddenly change my spots. Hey, if you don't like heavy metal, I'm not going to think that just sucking it up and getting 3rd row seats to see Death Angel is going to thrill you or change your mind...and I'm SURE not going to think you'll like it.

So, I don't want it, I don't enjoy it, and there's nothing to rise up to...and drowning, well, I'd rather not, though the thought becomes nicer and nicer as the years wear on. Part of me...a larger and larger part, every time...wants to give up. Just throw in the towel and say goodbye. Admit there's nothing for me here, and just leave the heap for those that like it.

Every day. Yes, I think this every day. You'd be depressed, too. So fuck off with your "get over it" and your "it's not so bad." I'm an angry mutant, a dead-end offshoot of this sick, retrograde little species. Fear not, my thoughts will die with me and the rest of the crew can get on with their happy trip to La La Land. I've never claimed membership, anyway. Point and laugh if you like, it matters little to me. I've thoroughly given up on ever truly making a difference. I'm simply one anecdotal footnote, and a short one at that.


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