I find that I've been having some odd mood issues, lately. Not bad ones, just odd ones. Cases where any given mood is felt further than it should. Take yesterday, for instance. From moment to moment, anything I felt was a full-on experience...differing emotions, from one minute to the next, would cause a larger reaction than expected, even if the previous minute, I'd felt completely different. It tends to make one disoriented, I can tell you. I've already made tentative plans to talk to a new doctor, once the holidays are past. Yes, it might help to have some help during the holidays, but it would also be a major pain in the ass to be dealing with some kind of new med then. I'm not doing badly, so I'll wait. Frankly, I'm not all that confident of my chances. I still have no desire to be on any kind of regular med, and I don't think I need it. Unfortunately, most doctors seem to be loathe to prescribe anything that is just occasional help, as it's resale value is good, I guess. The last thing a doc gave me like this, Buspirone, I was told would give me the mood calming effect of Valium without the narcotic, but all it really did was give me a weird and not-pleasant feeling in the chest. Needless to say, I quit taking that.

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So, it looks like I'm stepping back through a door I closed a long time ago. It's not a door I ever expected to open again, based on some of my own mores, but I'm coming at it from a completely different angle and with different intent. It's definitely an odd feeling, but it gets a good reaction, so I'm OK with it. Besides, it's connected to other good things. Sorry to be so cryptic about it right now, perhaps I'll write more later. Things are still too new to be sharing it outward to the public.

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Had a dream last night that involved time travel. Oddly, much like Back to the Future, it seemed to involve getting my car up to some specific speed (thankfully, there was no other reference to the film). As I came into the dream, I knew that I had one more trip back (I'd paid some large amount to do this, like it was a vacation or something), and I was driving down the highway to the place where I could do this. I had memories in the dream of my previous trips, back to a place which I knew was 1857 but which seemed a little better cultured than the Old West of the time, though that was the association of it in my head.

I was stopped at some traffic stop, and the cop was amused that I had my license and insurance card handy; "You've done this before," he said. The car was making some odd noises, but I think this was simply peripheral to the story. He got in, and off we went. I missed my off-ramp, and pulled over, ready to back up to take it, and wondering when this guy was gonna get out of the car. When I told him what I was doing, he expressed a wistful desire to go with me, and I told him the time period, thinking it might be a bad idea (he was black). He agreed, and got out, amused, as if he didn't believe what I was doing. I got up to speed, the car gone, just me and a rickety bridge that was fast running out of room. I knew I'd hit speed and I willed myself to disappear into time, and I turned to look at the guy, who couldn't see me anymore. He was, of course, confused as to where I'd gone.

I found myself back in the large inn/house in the past, carrying a ladder. I went into the back area, and saw a man I recognized. I was surprised to see him dressed so well, since I recalled him being a lesser person, but before I could hail him, he looked at me and said "No thanks, I don't think I will." I stopped, curious, and leaned the ladder against a wall. He looked at me as if looking through me, and again said no. He didn't recognize me, regardless of the fact that I knew he and I had spent much time together. I asked him, "Am I not familiar to you?" He shook his head. I took the ladder again, confused; I said I was sorry for disturbing him, and apologized for the wet and muddy floor, as it was raining outside.

I returned to the common area, and started to note lots of small changes. It was the place I remembered, but it was different in a thousand myriad little ways. Something had changed, something had happened which had changed this time stream, and I had no way of righting it, since this was my last time back. The atmosphere was bright, but my mood was saddened. The things I wanted to do could now not be done, the people I came to see did not know me. As I walked towards a common hall full of lights and people, I looked to my left at a door down a darkened hallway, knowing those were the rooms of a lady named Sabine, and knowing it was useless to go knock. I dropped the ladder as my sadness grew. I looked up, and seated at the end of the bar was Sabine, her dark skin dusty and her once beautiful black hair now tangled and ratty. She sat, hunched over, and glanced up, her eyes meeting mine. This was the final jolt; Sabine had been elegant, her appearance important to her, but here she sat, dirty, dishevelled, and depressed.

I woke up, the feeling of sadness still clinging to my eyelids.