USB ports don't detect it being plugged in.
It's not the ports, because I've checked them with other devices. It's not just my machine, because I tested it on Dianna's machine and got the same results. I even went and updated my XP to SP3, in hopes that it might fix something minor (which it did not, though it did make me lose my nifty custom Windows theme...oh well, I can live without that).
Oh, and did I mention that the company sold it to me "No warranty, sold as is"? I think I got jacked. I'll try calling them tomorrow, maybe I'll get lucky, but I think I'm out the money. Good thing it was cheap, huh?