June 24th, 2001

Typing

Quandary

Does the phrase Catch-22 mean anything to anyone?

So here's my dilemma. It should be common knowledge by now that I am quite attached to Heidi, more so than I thought, more so than I intended, considering the situation with her moving to Virginia September 1st. I entered into this relationship with full knowledge and support of that. And as time pases, I catch myself before I say and/or do things that would commit too far, because I know that she enjoys my company and is attached to me as well, and getting much closer would just make things that much harder and more painful when the time comes. And, as far as the year that she will be gone, I don't expect things to stay this way, I don't expect her to stay celebate for me or anything like that. Sure, that might be flattering, but it's unreasonable, and I would never think of asking something like that. And it's not even a definite that she will return, so I cannot even hope for long-range plans.

The dilemma comes in what I am doing. Obviously, in my heart, I WANT to go farther, but I know I cannot, and I'm dealing with that. But I know that certain actions I take, etc., show my desires, and that she can see them, and that is just as bad as saying it outright. Sometimes, I catch myself before I say something I shouldn't, but I know that she has seen it in my eyes when I do. So I should back off some, because if I don't back off, I might lose her for the time and ability I have. But if I *DO* back off, I'm afraid that she might get the worng idea, that I don't want to spend as much time around her or something, and then I lose that anyway. And I can't really discuss it openly, since that is the same as admitting that which I cannot. All I can do is enjoy it for the time I have, and let it go when the time comes.

*L*...I drop a relationship that was abusive and hurtful, to gain one that hurts because I cannot have it.

I sure know how to pick 'em.
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