March 3rd, 2004

Typing

Graphic Day

Seems like the whole day, I've had PhotoShop open...but doing what, you ask?

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The other thing, though, was more fun. Over in dreamyicons, the present challenge is to make up a band, and then do a CD cover for them. Me being me, I couldn't stop there, I had to go and do a press release, too...

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I'm a weird guy.
  • Current Music
    Human League - Don't You Want Me
Burn The World

Existence 2.0

Hello Universe Dweller,

This is your friendly local Deity talking to you on behalf of Divine Creations Inc.

Although our design for existence has functioned very well throughout the past 500 billion years, we here at Divine Creations feel it's time to make a few changes. We understand that even the best Divine Plans can slowly become obsolete due to rapid advances in evolution and the overall chaotic nature of our current program. This is why we plan on introducing Existence 2.0.

Unfortunately, while switching the entire universe over to Existence 2.0, we will need to bring life as you know it to a halt for a very brief period of time. As a result, on January 1st of the year 2005, the entire universe will blink out of existence between 8:00 and 10:00 p.m Pacific time, and then restart with Existence 2.0. We greatly regret any inconvenience caused by this, but it is necessary due to the inherent complexity involved in changing the universe as you know it.

Keep in mind, however, that Existence 2.0 is a worthwhile upgrade, because many previous bugs and glitches in Existence 1.8 will be fixed.

Several large problems will be fixed, such as the existence of Antarctica, a large and mostly useless continent left over from some bad programming code in Existence 1.23. Also, due to conflicts between the major world religions and an overall shortage of deities, we have decided to restructure the spiritual infrastructure in order to maximize the efficiency with which the universe operates. Unfortunately, in this process, there will be some layoffs. Christians, Catholics, Muslims, and Jews will now all be worshipping one deity, and due to excessive record keeping costs involved with running a holy trinity, Jesus and the holy ghost will also have to be laid off, along with Allah and Yahweh. Also, the number of Hindu gods will be cut from over 30,000 to four. Unfortunately, despite many requests, we will be unable to restore the credibility of the Catholic Church. Although this transition will be difficult for some, we can assure you that once completed, God's ways will be 70% less mysterious, and divine intervention will be up to 10% more efficient.

Also, many smaller problems in the programming will be changed due to popular request. Among the many smaller changes, Dr. Laura Schlessinger will no longer exist, Elvis Presley will no longer be dead, O.J. Simpson will be charged as guilty, and Osama bin Laden will be reborn as a young girl in Afghanistan with a tail and terrible flatulence.

We have also added many new features, such as time travel, cold fusion, extra-terrestrial life, and a new type of virus which is completely harmless except for making your laugh sound like Fran Drescher's for 3 weeks. Also, we have given deities more control over the universe to better life for all. For example, in Existence 2.0, any person whose cell phone goes off in a movie theatre or play will be smitten by the hand of God during the next available lightning storm. You may have seen the divine intervention system being tested prior to the release of Existence 2.0 when large, gas guzzling SUVs began to have tire blowouts and flip over randomly.

However, some features have been dropped completely. Heaven and Hell have proved to be extremely expensive to operate and maintain, so due to budget cuts, when you die, you will now rot in the ground. Also Portuguese, Catalán, Esperanto, and many other smaller regional dialects will now be replaced by real languages.

Thank you for your understanding during this transition,

The One True God, CEO of Divine Creations Inc.

System Requirements:

In order for Existence 2.0 to run, you need:

Any blank plane of space with galaxies, planets, and others miscellaneous floating chunks of rock

A large group of impressionable individuals willing to be handed all the answers by a small group of leaders

A deity management system capable of 3000 interventions per minute

Version History:

1.0: Existence created

1.12: Replace Antiquated Creationism theories with Feasible theory of Evolution and Big Bang theory.

1.23: Several continents added, Oceans changed from red to blue. Fixed bug causing earth to collide with sun when Parallel Universes are running in background.

1.4: Fixed glitch causing some small puppies to explode when catching frisbees. Existence now runs on Monotheistic belief structures as well as polytheistic.

1.8: Ducks reconfigured to act as waterfowl rather then food cooling devices, thereby solving the Refrigerator waste problems at many local parks.
Typing

Son of a Bitch Fish

A man and his priest were out fishing one afternoon. They were enjoying themselves, talking, just having a pleasant time. Suddenly, the priest gets a bite on his line. He reels it in, and it is the biggest, most beautiful fish you've ever seen. Beside himself, the man exclaims, "Wow, look at that son of a bitch!" Shocked, the priest says, "That is blasphemy! You should not be using such language." The man, not wanting to look bad in front of his priest, explains, "No, no, that's the name of the fish. It's a son of a bitch fish."

The priest had never heard of that sort of fish, but he believed him anyway. Later that day, the priest shows the fish to the bishop and says, "Hey look at the big son of a bitch I caught today." The bishop was surprised and said, "I can't believe you just said that." The priest explained to him that it was the name of the fish. The bishop then had a great idea. "Hey, since the pope is visiting tomorrow, we could serve this fish for dinner. I can even scale it for you." After he scaled the fish, they took the fish to the nun to see if she would cook it for them. "Hey, would you mind cooking this son of a bitch for the pope's dinner tomorrow?" She was also shocked at their language, but they once again explained, "It's the name of the fish. It's a son of a bitch fish." She agreed, and cooked it for them.

So the next day they sat down to dinner with the pope, and they ate the fish the priest had caught. The pope really enjoyed the fish, and he asked, "Who do I have to thank for this fine meal?" Proudly, the priest stood up and said, "I caught the son of a bitch!" The bishop chimed in, "I scaled the son of a bitch!" The nun then said, "And I cooked the son of a bitch!" The pope looked around the room, and thought deeply for a moment. He then took of his hat, put his feet up on the table, and said, "Hey, you know you fuckers are all right!".