May 11th, 2004

Kiss My Ass

Late-Night Disgust-O-Rama

A very old couple who have been married forever are sitting on the porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over & smacks her husband, knocking him off the porch & into the bushes. He crawls back up & asks, "What was that for?" She says, "For having a little pecker."

He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch & into the bushes. She crawls back & says, "What was that for?" He says, "For knowing there was more than one size."
As an 8 year old boy is crossing the street he is hit by a car and left to die. As a lady passes by she happens to see the little boy and runs up to him. When she gets there she yells out "Oh my God, do you want me to call a priest?" the boy then says "How could you think about sex at a time like this?"
Let's Do It For Our Country!

And this last, this is primarily for those ladies on my friends list that have an obsession with looking at male sexual organs: The Tireless Hand
Smackdown (Anger)


"So, what are you in here for?"
"A slight case of mood poisoning; must be something I hate."
-- Wild Palms
Yes, it's time for another fun-filled episode of Things Archmage Hates!

Today's victim: Pretentious Image Gallery Whores

You know the type. Someone online person (usually a chick, but not always!) makes a post or an e-mail or a forum topic or whatever. regardless of the topic, somewhere near the end is a link...and following that link takes you to either a crappy website or a pic host (like Fotki or Webshots), with some gallery of pictures of said person. But, are they good pix? Of course not. They are webcam shots, generally between 20 and 50 of them. You flip through the thumbnails, and what do you find? 20 to 50 pictures that are all pretty much the same. This is no surprise, really, because they are webcam shots, as's in the same place, they are in the same place, maybe where they are looking changes slightly, or the expression changes slightly, but for the most part, 20 to 50 images of the same fucking thing.

Do these people think that we need this many pix, all alike? For that matter, why do they want this many similar pictures?

Oh, but the fun doesn't stop there. Now they have a gallery, and all the pix are basically the same...but now they get to be NAMED. Here's where some REALLY sad creativity comes in. Sure, they could just name them by date/time, but then you'd notice how little life they have...and that's no fun. They could name them by expression, but, face it, when you are online, you have three basic expressions:
  • That's hilarious!
  • That pisses me off!
  • Ho hum...
So, how to make these pix all seem different? Aha! Song lyrics and movie quotes! Yes, they name these pix with some little phrase that really has nothing to do with the pic, which ends up displaying their scene and preferences. So, now, instead of "Me, today, 4pm" or "me and jeff, at the club, #38", you get to decypher pix named "my ebon is blacker than your darkest raven", "can't rain all the time", and "she's just a bitch, dump her in the ditch" -- which are all the same bored expression, looking off to lower right, in the same t-shirt.

I see this a lot with the online goth chicks, (not so) oddly enough.

Crap, man, put a little thought into your online gallery. One that is just for you, like some kind of online photo album, hey, that's your business. But be straight, be true: it's easy to tell when you put one up for you and when you put one up to show off. If you're gonna show off, then show off; be selective, give us something to actually see...or you end up just looking stupid.

Thank you, thank you, you've been a wonderful audience.

Tonight's show was brought to you by Coca-Cola™...Real, whose views are not expressed here, and by Rockstar Games, whose views probably are. For my wardrobe today, I'd like to thank Mother Nature, for my free-and-easy skin. Please spay and neuter your pets, and don't let a Dead Man rule your life.

Yes, More 'Van Helsing' Stabs

I can't help it. I've never seen a summer blockbuster get so raked over the's just damn funny. I have a feeling I'm going to end up owning it, simply because it's so bad!

Want a laugh? Read this review by a group of people I figure I'd really get along with, and this little ditty called "Van Helsing in 15 minutes", which reduced me to helpless laughter.

And now...I eat the banana.

Speaking Of Movies

I just discovered that they are remaking The Manchurian Candidate. And, as opposed to my normal feeling towards remaking classics, I'm actually looking forward to this one...partly because the concept behind it is so much more real and possible now. And besides, Jon Voight is in it, and he rocks. The only downside I see at the moment is that they have Denzel Washington playing Ben Marco, and I don't think he can out-do Sinatra. Besides which, while Denzel does pretty good with angry action (Such as the recent 'Man On Fire'), he doesn't make me believe him with drama. Still, with Jonathan Demme directing, it has a lot of potential.