April 11th, 2008


(no subject)

In other news...

I'm trying, really. I know that I have higher standards for things, and that includes people. Thus, I will tend to be disappointed when those standards are failed, but really, how can I expect people to live up to my standards when I don't say what they are? True, it's pleasantly surprising when someone does exceed them, but again, go figure. Just sucks worse when I let someone get that close to me, and then they make me want to blow a gasket. It feels like a betrayal, on my end (note that I said my end; I'm trying to own up to a lot of this).

So, yes, I'm trying. I'm trying hard to see things for what they are, not just how they feel. This means I have to take time to evaluate and re-evaluate events, and react accordingly. I'm not saying I'm suppressing my anger or denying my feelings, just trying to be more constructive and realistic about it. It's not as if I don't know what kind of reactions I'll get to my various options of reaction, but the other side of that is not being manipulative, being real. Sure, i can smile and nod and understand and get a good reaction form someone, but if I feel angry and hurt, then acting as if I'm not to get a good reaction is a lie. It is, however, a comfortable lie for the situation, as it makes things run smooth. Does the object of my anger learn, though? Does it see the reaction it has caused and try harder not to dot hat? Of course not, I hid that anger. So, is it more true to be angry, openly? Of course, but it's not as smooth running.

Find the middle ground, of course that's the solution, but a middle ground between them is a tough line to toe. Tough, but doable.

Meanwhile, here I am. I know who and what I am, and how I think and feel. Yes, part of me would love to be able to just turn off my brain and not care about standards. To be able to just relax and think TV was fine to watch all day. To actually care about sports scores. To think most Hollywood films were funny. But that isn't me, and I refuse to compromise myself or to turn off my mind for anyone. That part that would love to do that is just the part that is tired of being disappointed...but tired of it doesn't mean i can learn to like what I hate.

Yes, I have standards. Yes, I'm keeping them. No, I don't feel that is a bad thing. I just need to deal with it better.
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