OK, for those of you going "And who is that?", here's a quick and dirty background. Those of you that know can skip ahead.
Long, long ago, in galaxy far, far away, I struck up an acquaintance with Jessica (if you've ever seen me mention nythien? Same person.). It started as just talking, two ships passing in the night that is the 'Net, but we soon became very close friends. We kept this incredibly close friendship for years, and love grew. True, deep feelings, not just some kind of lust (though, that exists, too!). Very few have touched my heart and stayed there, but she is one of them. Now, as I stated in my polyamory post, this was before Dianna, and as Di and I progressed and they began to talk to each other, love grew between them, too. Since Jessica is across the country, this was a little rough, but we worked on it, and then, one day, Jessica seemed to vanish. We couldn't get hold of her, no contact. Nearly a year later, we got back in contact, and there'd been some family issues, some personal stuff, etc., but we were back in contact now. Things looked great, to the point that we were checking to see if we could just move her out here...and she vanished again. Since then, there's been nothing I could find, and believe me, I tried. I only didn't hire a P.I. because I didn't have the money. I never gave up hope, though. I couldn't. She was too important to me, too close, too special. I tried, I looked, I searched, I did everything...but I would not give up. It's been Hell, no question, but if you're going through Hell, keep going.
Today, that was rewarded.
It was getting late, and Di said she was tired. Jo got comfy on the couch, Di headed to bed, and I sat down to check my e-mail one last time. Just as I was going to close the browser, mail came in. I didn't recognize the name, and the first phrase on the preview didn't seem to make much sense, and I damn near just deleted it as spam. Man, I would never have forgiven myself if I had. Thankfully, I decided I was curious to see what it was about.
It was Jessica. My heart stopped beating for a moment, my jaw hung agape, and my eyes felt as though they would fall out of my skull. I barely read the letter, skimming it to make sure she was OK and typing in a mad whirlwind of keys, trying to get a response out before she logged back off, so she'd know I got it and was online and wanted to talk. I was going back to make a more thoughtful reply, hoping against hope and figuring she was probably going to bed (east coast, three hours later and all), when my IM popped up from her.
Tears. I've never been one to cry easily or hardly at all, but I wept tears of joy, I'm not ashamed to admit. I could barely believe it, I was hearing from her again, we were talking again, she was alive and OK. I knew Di would want to know, but I couldn't bring myself to step away from the computer, not even for a second. Luckily, she came in to see what was keeping me up, and when I told her, she sank to the floor, also in tears. Jessica's disappearance was twice as hard on Di as it was on me, maybe because I'd done the long-distance thing before and could deal with it better.
We've been talking for the last two hours or more, just trying to catch up, sometimes barely able to get the words out for fear of the reality being shattered. Copious expressions of remorse and emotion and desire, as well as plenty of other things passed between us as we sank back into each other. In the end, though, basic biology caught up to us, and we had to call it a night. We still acted like school-age lovers, each not wanting to leave the convo, each trying our hardest to say in words what can only truly be felt. Tomorrow will be quite a conversation, indeed.
Am I staking a lot on this? You bet your sweet ass, and I'll stake more besides. I won't claim this makes sense, but it's exactly what I want, and I'll do anything to make this come to fruition. Anything. Any time her pictures have come up on my screensaver, I stop to look. Anytime I hear one of a short list of songs, I stop what I'm doing. Anytime she's entered my thoughts, I've let it take me over for a short moment. Call me crazy, call me a fool, call me whatever, but it won't stop my resolve, my desire, and my determination. I have never given up, and I've now had exactly what i needed to make me redouble it all. This is what I want. This is what shall be.