God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll (archmage) wrote,
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll

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Christ, I'm An Asshole

I've already posted something to kespernorth's journal, but I'm placing it here, too.

I'm not totally sure what happened last night. I think it was a combination of factors, not all of which would be readily apparent to any one else, and the mix of them came out quite sour, I'm afraid. And, sad to say, but that mix was mostly my fault. No one could have known what was gonna happen, except maybe me, and I should have damn well known better.

SOme of this may not make sense, but then, it's my journal. I think part of what happened, as Bjorn put it so well, is that we tried to make this party too mnay things at once. I had planned for it to be the movies and a chance to see as many of my friends as I could, before I left. It gained it's other purposes of a b'day party for Bjorn and Steph, and that turned it into something else...which might have been ok, but in my mind, it was still my original party. Unfortunately, that meant I had certain expectations, etc...which were unrealistic.

Now, let's add to the fire a bit. This was the last time that I was gonna get to see Di before I was there permanently. It had been a very long 2 weeks since I had seen her, and I knew I was staring down the barrel of another long 2 weeks...and that dropped my attitude a little further. I just knew what I was gonna have to face when she left, and I didn't want to.

So, I was ignoring what things were, in favor of expecting them to be what I wanted them to be, and that is never a good thing...especially from me. Dammit, I've always been rational, logical, a realist...but not last night, apparently. And it turned a bit ugly, and for that, I am sorry.

Good thing I'm going...I'm not sure I wanna show my face much right now. I'm embarrassed, and, more to the point...I'm disappointed in myself.

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