Now, ever since I got here, Dad has mentioned every factory and plant in the area to me. I've tried to state that I don't want to do this, and that I'm not qualified for anything in that industry. This seems to have gone past him. I've also tried to state that these kind of plants and this kind of industrial work is usually hired through a service, not through people walking in off the street. This, also, seems to have gone in one ear and out the other. So, as we're leaving the last place on the list, when he starts up with the fact that SE Johnson has a plant nearby, I state again the "service hiring" thing, to which he merely replies "Well, you don't know that for sure." I state that I also do not want to just walk in, cold, to a place that will only tell me to contact such-and-such a service, trying to imply that I can at least check on it when I get back.
He whips the car to the other side of the road and begins to berate me. "Jesus Christ, do you want a job, or not? I'm just trying to help you! I'd be out flipping burgers if I had to! You need to do something other than sit in front of that god damned computer all day!" I started to try and defend my actions. Me, I'm not against a low-end job, but damn, it's not gonna pay my bills. Also, I'd like to try and see if something that IS better than nothing pans out before I drop to the lowest rung on the ladder. Fuck, man, give me a chance before you try and force me into things that I can't do and don't want.
I couldn't. I just cracked and fell apart. I'm in a bad place, I'm feeling very rough, and the last thing I needed was for him to yell at me. Felt like I was a kid again, and it sucked. I just told him I was sorry, I was appreciative of his help, I was sorry, I was sorry..and gave up. The rest of the way home was silence. After all that, I was barely holding back, and the last thing I needed was to break down in his view. Once home, I slunk down into my basement hole and completely lost it.
Lowest. Moment. Ever.
I'm alone, here, completely alone. I have nothing. I have no one. I have no place. I'm in unfamiliar and uncomfortable surroundings with nothing of my own but my machine, no one around to turn to, no place to go and no way to get there, no money, no comfort or relaxation. I feel like every move I make, every word I say is watched and judged by a jury of my non-peers. I'm totally dependent on someone else's good graces, and I feel like they are already disappointed in me because I'm not what they would want or like or doing what they think is right. This did not help. So, yeah, you could say I'm doing very poorly.
I did get a call, already, from a recruiter about a possible job. While it sounded pretty cool, I had to turn it down. First off, it was a fairly decent commute, and with no car, that would have been rough (45 mile,s each way). Plus, it was only part-time, and while there was a possibility of more hours, it wasn't guaranteed, and it was only a year contract. I can't really afford to only work half-time right now. Still, good to know the resume is being seen.
Edit: Hmm, new ideas coming to light. New possibilities. Not gonna jinx anything by saying it, but this might all be moot. We'll see, lots of "if" on this.