The one she's been one for a bit (Geodon, for those of you playing along at home) was working pretty well, but caused her to be overly sleepy. Plus, it's newer than most, so it's pretty damn spendy ($345 a month, give or take, no generics yet). So, off to the doc to re-evaluate and see if there was something better. In the end, the doc switched her to something new, and the last month has been slowly ramping up the new drug (Lamotrigene, I think?) while slowly easing off the other. This is for the bipolar thing, and we'll add in something for the depression (Prozac, which has worked well in the past).
As with any drug change, hilarity has ensued.
At first, all was smooth sailing. Nothing seemed to change, which was a good sign. then the panic attacks started coming on thick and fast. Huge agitations, as well as stomach issues and nausea (believed to be caused by the anxiety). Doc added some Klonopin as needed to help with it. Taking that when the attacks hit helped, but we dealt with the nausea, still. Fun. With the next level of drug up, the nausea seems to be lessened, and the anxiety seems to have slowed a lot...but Thursday was a depressive episode like none since I've been here. That was a scream ion a box, believe me. My caretaker thing kicked in hard, which sucks when the person doesn't want anything. It led to her being a bit annoyed with me (I was a over-zealous about trying to help), and me feeling hurt and abandoned when she wanted to be elsewhere. In the end, rest and tequila helped even things out, and we talked about everything and were fine again.
Communication, baby. Solves so many issues. Thank $deity for it.
Today, all was fine...and then it hit again. No misunderstandings this time, but the depression is no fun for either of us. Still, better than Thursday. Again, in the end, a little easy time and some booze took the edge off (never getting drunk, you understand, watching intake over time). Some extra drugs to help have pretty well knocked her out, though, so looks like I'm on my own for the rest of the night. Hopefully, when the drug switch gets completed, this will all be a non-issue, but you have to take this sort of thing as it comes, I know all too well.
Now, when I say that, understand what I mean: her having to deal with these issues sucks, and me having to deal with it sucks too, but we don't count that as an issue between us. We're together in dealing, and we're still quite happy together. She has assured me that she wants me here and that I am the only true happiness in her life, and I have assured her that I have no intention of leaving and I'm not going to "get tired of this" and give up. She and I are as strong as ever.
It just really sucks and it's incredibly draining. No fun to watch someone you love go through Hell. No good to have to sit aside and know there isn't a damn thing you can do to make them smile or be more comfortable or to remove their sadness. Hurts to feel useless. However, that can all be balanced by knowing that it's not me, it's not us, and that, underneath, I' AM making a difference by simply being available and willing to drop whatever I'm doing at a moment's notice to do anything she might want, from going to the store, to cooking a meal, to climbing into bed and cuddling with her. if that means canceling plans, so be it. if that means putting on hold events that were coming, no big deal.
Yes, it sucks. Sure, it's draining. Seeing her smile afterward, hearing her appreciative tone, feeling her melt against me and know that she feels safe, and seeing posts like this...it makes it all worth it.