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28 November 2011 @ 03:38 pm
Not On My Watch  
Today, I did my good deed for the day: I stopped a purse-snatcher.

I had to go to Wal-Mart to pick up a prescription for Jessica. Now, I know what this place is gonna be like right now, considering the time of year and all. In anticipation of the Hell that I will being entering, I suited up accordingly: jeans tucked into combat boots, studded belt, booze-related shirt, leather jacket, wrap-around shades. Not that most of this actually protects, but combined with a certain single-minded look of determination, a heavy tread, and a speed of movement above the average shopper, and I find that people tend to get out of my way and let me go about my business.

So, I get a great parking space and head in. Combat-walk to the pharmacy, get the stuff, and head back out. It looks like I'll be clocking a total in-store time under 4 minutes. As I'm leaving, I pass a woman in too much perfume and way too many bracelets, cart full of various items, talking a mile-a-minute to her friend (similarly adorned). I didn't much note her at the time, but I hear her voice again as I pass through the "airlock" (you know what I mean, the double-set of doors), hollering "He's got my purse, help!"

I turn and see a lanky black kid tear-assing in my direction carrying a purse that clearly does not go with his outfit. Look, it's bad enough that you're a thief, but this time of year? That's just fucking wrong, man. I'm already worked up that I have to endure Wal-Mart right now, and I'm frustrated because Jessica's had to suffer through another of those headaches that has lasted 2 weeks (and had a painful period at the same time, it's been a gas). This kid picked the wrong way to run, as I'm in the mood to take things out on someone.

He button-hooks around a fat guy in a Hawaiian shirt pushing a cart with two, count 'em, two 40-something LCD TVs. Chunky McTelevision can barely get his head around to see what's going on, and a few other people are starting to try and give chase, but this kid was booking. Me, all I had was that one pill bottle, and it's in my jacket pocket, so I have nothing to put down. I dropped to one knee as I turned and caught him in a clothesline across the gut.

When you see this kind of thing in a cartoon, the runner inevitably bends in two while the striker is stock-still. In reality, this doesn't happen. Now, he DID bend nicely and might have cried out if all his air hadn't just been knocked out of him, but I was dragged with him. While this did not make my shoulder happy, it did give me momentum to wrap the other arm around and tackle him. By this point, the others that wanted to chase were on him as well as a couple of Wal-Mart security types, and it mostly looked like he'd run into me, so no one really asked much. They hauled him off to call the cops, Chatty McFumecloud got her purse back, and all was well. She tried to pay me something, but, again, come on, this time of year, no.

On the way out, Fats McLuau clapped my shoulder (the one I just wrenched, thanks a load) and commented that he'd not want to make me angry. While that was cool and all, i wish he'd chosen the other shoulder. on a separate note, that was way too much loud pattern shirt to have to see. Seriously, it was like being next to the King Kamehameha Tent. There oughtta be a law.

Watch yourself out there this season, kids...and look out for each other.
Ky MC: pic#114310268Ky MC on November 28th, 2011 08:48 pm (UTC)
I applaud your restraint. I would have gone for a more ...lingering injury.
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: Smackdown (Anger)archmage on November 28th, 2011 08:49 pm (UTC)
I was annoyed enough and enjoying the adrenaline rush enough that I would have considered it, but there wasn't time...and too many witnesses. ;)
Μαχομαιmaxomai on November 28th, 2011 11:17 pm (UTC)
....make him wish he was a girl during a minute of sweet, immaculate testicular suffering....s'all good.
kirkjerkkirkjerk on November 28th, 2011 08:58 pm (UTC)

Just wondering what "Combat walking" is...
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: Cerebus (Fed Up)archmage on November 28th, 2011 09:12 pm (UTC)
Heavy step, fast-pace, determined look, little-to-no deviation for people. Good for getting where you are going and making people get out of your way.
freyisfreyis on November 28th, 2011 09:24 pm (UTC)
Ah, so what you learn to do in junior high/high school to get everyone in the halls out of your way. I remember those days.
Ursula Messerschmitt: Happy-Batdancesnobahr on November 28th, 2011 11:32 pm (UTC)
Go, you!
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: Flamestickarchmage on November 29th, 2011 11:12 am (UTC)
I'm a good tank. ;)
Ursula Messerschmitt: MMORPG-Gnomesnobahr on November 29th, 2011 02:35 pm (UTC)
So, basically, you one-shotted him, eh? Sounds like he was seriously outlevelled. Dude's gotta learn how to PvP!
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: Jet (Cowboy Bebop)archmage on November 30th, 2011 04:18 pm (UTC)
Well, two. A stun and some CC. ;)
The Green Fairyabsinthecity on November 28th, 2011 11:39 pm (UTC)
Wow - go you! What a great thing to do (and the mental image you've painted of the scene really made me giggle, too)
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: Eye Heart The Residentsarchmage on November 29th, 2011 11:13 am (UTC)
I love being a story-teller, though I feel a little odd being the subject of the tale.
Stax: Cheerleaderstaxxy on November 29th, 2011 01:59 am (UTC)
Like I always say, it doesn't take a lot to be someone's hero. Well done. I know you are going to be suffering for a bit with that shoulder so be sure to do the ice/heat/ice trick, take some ibuprofen for the swelling and inflammation, and maybe a nice bath with epsom salts to soak it.

Good job sugar. You rock.
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: Stuck Togetherarchmage on November 29th, 2011 11:14 am (UTC)
Luckily, wasn't too bad, just a little sore. I got plenty of heat on it form Jessica snuggling up with me, and that's as good as gold.
Gingercorachaos on November 29th, 2011 02:03 am (UTC)
Rock Star
You are my hero! For real. This brought tears to my eyes. You are one of the reasons why I still go out of my house now and then.

Love you. Mean it.
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: 100% Zombiearchmage on November 29th, 2011 11:15 am (UTC)
Re: Rock Star
Aww, shucks, Miz C, 't'weren't nuthin'.

*draws little circles in the dirt with his toe*
Baracus Naturalmadeofmeat on November 29th, 2011 04:51 am (UTC)
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: Shoeless God of WARarchmage on November 29th, 2011 11:16 am (UTC)
I feel like I failed by not using a great line or catchphrase on him. I really gotta work on my heroic banter.
Baracus Naturalmadeofmeat on December 2nd, 2011 04:55 am (UTC)
Please don't use me as a guide. The audio I imagined involved Frank Oz's Miss Piggy. HIIIIIIYYAA!!! :)
Anonymouschinadoll66102 on November 29th, 2011 07:04 am (UTC)
I felt an odd tingly sense while reading this. I think it was...PROUD.

(or pride? what is the noun for feeling proud of someone)
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: Heart In This Shellarchmage on November 29th, 2011 11:17 am (UTC)
In that sentence, I'd say "pride" (you 'feel a sense of pride' vs. you 'feel proud of someone'). Either way, thanks doll. I'm just glad I was in the right place at the right time.
Jay Bohmerjaybohmer on November 29th, 2011 03:31 pm (UTC)
Good job bud. Hope the shoulder feels better.
Davehowlin_wolf_66 on November 29th, 2011 05:22 pm (UTC)
Good on ya, man; it's great to hear of somebody being proactive! :-)
Becaolivetree on November 29th, 2011 06:53 pm (UTC)
Kellykwsapphire on December 7th, 2011 08:26 pm (UTC)
Nice, well done Frank!