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22 February 2012 @ 08:59 am
Know something I really get amused about, with LJ? When the site is having issues, I check the status page and find that there's no problems. On the other hand, when I get messages from maintenance that they had an issue, I never seem to have noticed. Go figure.

So, heya, LJ. Long time, no real post. Sorry about that. Partly, it's not having a lot to say, partly, it's not wanting to share what I do have. Well, let's address some of that.

On the "nothing" side: I know, I've said hardly anything in weeks or more. It's weird to look back and see Friday Pix posts next to each other. no post for a week? Really? Creepy. It's just that there's not much going on, and thus, nothing to post. I mean, come on, I'm still not working, I don't go out and do anything, it's just kinda glide-time. Not that this is bad, it just doesn't make for any kind of post. This should not be taken to mean there are problems. Jessica and i are still very happy together, and that's not changing. Hell, some days, that's all that we have going on, but at least there's that.

On the "not sharing" side: there's only so much of the same thing repeated over and over that you can stand, and I'd rather not even get to that point, if I can help it. Fact is, one of the issues is that she and I really need to get our own place. We need to be away from this house and all it's associated memories, where we feel like it's ours, away from these fuckin' dogs and the dust and the mess, where we can go about our day without concern for volume or actions. This isn't going to happen until we have an income, and THAT'S not going to happen until she feels better (I don't want to be gone all day and leave her here alone). Feeling better is hard to do with no money or insurance, though, so it's gotta break, somewhere. We're doing another change in the meds, due to things not working right...

...funny story, there: we went to see her doc and had to see a colleague, due to her doc being on vacation. Not only was this doc MUCH BETTER, she found that the meds J was taking react badly together, so now i want to punch her old medico in her stupid fat face (original was nurse practitioner, now is actual doc). We've seen improvement already, and that's fabulous, because there's been some other crap in the meantime (sick, sinuses, cramps) that would have been Hell if they had to be dealt with on top of the moods. Now, if we could just get the headaches under control. We're both completely sick and tired of this crap getting ion the way of our time together, which is more often than not.

Meanwhile? Well, I'm doing...OK. I want to say I'm fine, because that's what i always do; I put my own problems aside and deal with others, and I just carry the weight along so no one else feels shunned. Fact is, though, I'm not fine, and I know it. I'm drained by all this, and I'm missing my friends and contact. It's just very hard to maintain contact when you know you don't have a fucking thing to talk about except your own problems and you really don't want to talk about them because there's nothing to be done about them. I'm even dragging my feet on this game idea I have, because I feel like it's going to be more work than fun, and that's not really helpful. I have my dreams and my hopes, but I'm not doing a damn thing about making them happen, so I have no one to blame but myself.

All is not terrible. I have a good woman by my side who loves me and who is loved in return. I've got a roof over my head and no immediate worries. There's a lot of things that could be going badly that are not. I'm just tired and a little lonely.

There we go. Updated.
IcyRavens: WinterHart Photographykatlyn on February 22nd, 2012 03:21 pm (UTC)
I hear you on all of this. Especially It's just very hard to maintain contact when you know you don't have a fucking thing to talk about except your own problems and you really don't want to talk about them because there's nothing to be done about them.

I'm glad, though, that you two are still doing well and still supportive of each other. And wonderful news about the medications (well, not that they were interacting, but that now you know that.) Having the right doctor is -so- important. I am sad that I had to leave behind so many good doctors when my insurance changed (then again, I can't bitch because at least I -have- insurance.)

Be well, and take care.
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: Drinking Archmagearchmage on February 23rd, 2012 10:54 am (UTC)
Thanks, doll.
Blediffe Cannelldariens_haircut on February 22nd, 2012 05:36 pm (UTC)
I don't have much to add except that I was basically nodding in agreement the whole time I was reading this post. There are some differences in detail, but one like it could have been written by me.
Mauler: Mthulhu!! FLEE!! :O_mauler_ on February 23rd, 2012 10:32 am (UTC)
I know the feeling all too well, dude. Very difficult to share your burdens when you're the one who takes pride in shouldering the load of others, isn't it?

Can you take some time out and game with some people online who you've not spoken to for a while? Or just chat, kinda like here? I know it's not exactly real company for BBQs and the like but it's contact and it helps. Well, it helps me :]

Chin up, man. It all works itself out. Ia!
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: Rock - Cthulhuarchmage on February 23rd, 2012 10:54 am (UTC)
The game I mentioned above is an online thing, and involves a couple of my old buddies, so, yeah, I'm trying. Better than nothing!

It does indeed all come out in the wash, eventually. ia!