FRANK: Literal meaning: "Keep refrigerated, eat within three days."
Created by Act of God exactly three hundred years ago next week, the name Frank was originally used spitefully to refer to warriors who died during drill practice, before eating a big cream cake.
1. Frank ap Oily-Oaf, of the generation which fondly remembers those funny pirate hats; ghost-writer of Oscar Wilde's neighbour, Tom's offensively illustrated autobiography, I WAS MONTY'S THUG;
2. Frank Frewsy, belittler of bungee-jumping; first holder of the office of Royal Gadget-Smasher;
3. Frank Proms, populariser of the methods of Judge Dredd; ghost-writer of The St Winifred's School Choir's leatherwear catalogue and autobiography, TOOT-A-TWANG-TWANG;
4. Doctor Frank Dots, who's never forgotten the deckchair-cum-hat;
5. Frank S'Ess-Nootlooter, aroused by a popular music band made entirely of soap;
6. Frank Jesus ("The Uncanny"), once saved by the definitive manual on drowning; ghost-writer of Charles Hawtrey's religious handbook and autobiography, I LOVE MY FROG!;
7. Frank Marl ("The Terrible"), haunted by an image of some thing or other;
8. Frank Staplegun ("The Blue"), champion of the right to use between nine and fifteen scientific principles; first holder of the office of Queen's Own Loan Shark;
9. Lady The Miss Frank Macaulay, first victim of Britain's standards;
10. Frank Frote-Lilly Li, who lost a fortune on Spandau Ballet.
Typical Frank motto:
"A week is a long time on fire."
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