23 April 2003 @ 03:20 pm
Foot-In-Mouth Disease  
(I'm sure half of these are fake, if not more....but they're damn funny anyway...)

Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few stories of people who did and do....

1) How much for...
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

2) I think I like...
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins,31, Ferndale, MI

3) Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

4) I saw Mommy kissing...
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now"she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. Amy Richardson,Stafford, Virginia

5) What kind do you want?
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" Diane E. Amov

6) For the last time..
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

7) About last night...
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposedto have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Current Music: Crystal Method - Trip Like I Do
ravyn_garou on April 23rd, 2003 03:26 pm (UTC)
hahaha I happened to get an email with the same quotes in it this morning. :o I especially like the first one. That is just classic.

Six degrees? ha ha
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Rollarchmage on April 23rd, 2003 03:34 pm (UTC)
I'm sure it's one of those mails that's going around..good friend sent it to me. Still, nicely coinciding.
ravyn_garou on April 23rd, 2003 03:47 pm (UTC)
After finding several people through LJ that are connected unexpectedly to me somehow, i'd i've been finding coincidence all over today.

Skiggaretbigdaddygoat on April 23rd, 2003 05:57 pm (UTC)
By Four I laughed so hard I got hiccups, by six my chest was hurting from the laughing and hiccups. Then I realized I had one more to go. Sucks, but well worth it. I havent gotten that E-mail yet.

Thanks for the laugh. Not for the hiccups.
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Rollarchmage on April 23rd, 2003 10:57 pm (UTC)
Re: Hiccups
Well, I'm happy and sad for you. ;)
Erin's Musingsdragonsfancy on April 23rd, 2003 07:27 pm (UTC)

That was classic! Oh my good god...I don't recall having laughed so hard in awhile.
Shamereshanniebananie on April 23rd, 2003 07:28 pm (UTC)

Okay, you don't know me, but I just had to post thanks for the laughs! I definitely needed it! #6 is particularly.. er.. endearing, and being that I work with children for a living, I can see it even more clearly, and will definitely be aware of repeatedly questioning any child I take out in public who suddenly radiates an offensive stench. Hopefully I can head off a "confession" before it comes :D.

Thanks again!

God of Thunder and Rock'n'Rollarchmage on April 23rd, 2003 11:06 pm (UTC)
I agree, I read #6, and I could easily and completely see that one happening, no problem visualizing at all! It definitely got the biggest laugh out of me.

Glad it put a smile on yer face!
Deechsavrille on April 24th, 2003 07:44 am (UTC)
I've got a story about this.. see my journal for it.. :)