F: Great...and you'll be happy to know that I have a name for you now.
C: Which is?
C: Morty? Well, OK, you're ultimately in control here, I guess. On to the questions?
F: 'Bring it on', as they say.
C: OK, first up, if you were any animal, what would it be and why?
F: Easy - tiger. Sleek, strong, protective, intimidating...but still a big cuddly kitten underneath. Hell, I can even purr.
c: Somehow, I can see that.
F: Besides, it fits my fetish of a woman with a cat tail.
C: I don't wanna know...moving on. How do you feel about Death?
F: I'll pass, thanks.
C: You? You're passing on a question?
F: No, I mean, 'I'll pass on Death.' Thanks, but I'd rather live.
C: Oh, I don't think she meant right now, just eventually.
F: I'll still pass. I plan on living forever. Hey, so far, so good!
C: I'll hit you with this clipboard, really, I will. Listen, smartass, what are your thoughts on Death, the afterlife, et cetera...what's waiting for you?
F: (laughs) Well, Morty, if it turns out that I am right about the whole afterlife thing, and I end up there, it will be nothing but oblivion. I'm hoping for enlightenment.
C: Into the void, huh? That's pretty depressing.
F: Not to me. Either I'll be returned to the Primal Chaos, or I'll live on. My consciousness is the spark of life in this shell, shaped by the experiences that I gain. Should I gain enough enlightenment and understanding in life, then I hope to transfer my consciousness (or 'soul' if you like) to another state, one not reliant on the body. Basically, I'm bucking for Ghost-hood.
C: Somehow, I'm not surprised by that either.
F: Hey, I don't hide my self.
C: Apparently. On a similar subject, what kind of funeral would you have, if there were no restrictions?
F: I've always had the idea of how I want my carcass handled, but I can never find people willing to do it. I'd like to be barbecued and served at my wake, so that my friends and loved ones can gain sustenance from me, and take a little of me with them.
F: Hey, tastes like pork...so they say.
C: I don't care.
F: Since it apparently isn't going to happen, then I just wanna be cremated. Toss my ashes in any moving water, and as for a memorial...oh, don't bother. If you can't remember me without a rock, then I wasn't an influence in your life.
C: What is the one fashion faux pas you wish you could take back, or ban from existence?
F: My own faux pas?
C: I think so, yeah.
F: None. I'm so non-fashionable that I don't think I ever made a faux pas that I cared about, and wasn't aware of long before I did it. And can we stop saying faux pas? How about 'fuck-up'?
C: Fine by me.
F: Now, as far as banning one from existence, from elsewhere...um, I dunno. Frankly, I think the whole fashion world is one big fuck-up, and needs to be seriously dismantled. Humans are too fucking image conscious as it is. Dammit, that designer label doesn't make you any better than any other.
C: More of those strong words that get you your detractors, I see. Not that you care.
C: OK, lastly, she asks what you think is the most beautiful sounding word in the English language?
F: (laughs) This is a question I asked her, and she hasn't answered yet. But, in my opinion, the most beautiful sounding word in the English language is "syphilis".
C: You're kidding, right?
F: Not at all, Morty. All those sibilants in there, it just rolls off the tongue, silky-smooth and sweet. OK, sure, the definition is not so hot, but that wasn't the question.
C; Hmmm, perhaps you have a point there.
F: Of course I do. I've almost always got SOME point, most just don't see it.
C: I think you've talked enough for one day, Frank.