Due to the recent spate of less-than-perfect luck, coupled with various stresses and plagues upon my mind, I have made a transition of life-states. My normal happy-go-lucky, laughing at life, 'Top O' The World, Ma!', screw-what-the-world-thinks kind of attitude has of late slipped the surly bonds of my psyche and flown around madly. It's not gone, it's just not sitting still. Things are on a bit of a downhill trend for different reasons, and I have temporarily given up on fighting them.
Now, this doesn't mean that I am in a depression mode. It just means I'm not taking the fight to the streets. Instead, I'm reverting back to something that I haven't done for years, and which helped me through one of the roughest times in my life. I've gone back to a passive Zen attitude, where I handle what comes to me, with the least possible force, for the best possible benefit, and I do not sweat anything that happens, no matter what it is. One of the core teachings of Zen is 'All Is Transitory', and this is the core of this mindset. This is a lot easier said than done, but I've done it before, and doing it again is like being back in the arms of an old lover.
You know, funny that I should put it that way. The last time I took this kind of a stance was right after Allison's death. For those of you who know what I am talking about, maybe you understand more now. For those that do not, well, maybe I'll post it sometime. Needless to say, it was one of the two most emotional times in my life.
Back to the ramble. Anyway, the down side to all of this is that it makes me seem a little cool and apathetic. Now, I have been accused of being cold and emotionless, due to the fact that when things happen, I deal first with the problem at hand and what needs to be done to fix it, and have any kind of emotional snap later on...hence, when seen by others, I do not 'feel' the emotions, I'm just cold and hard. This is far from true, those emotions just run silent and deep. And right now, they run VERY deep, indeed.
I've gone back to questioning nearly everything in my life again. What am I doing, where am I going, how am I accomplishing it...and what I want. And it is not a short process. Very little in my life is completely definite at the moment. For those that have worried about things I have said in posts and convos, or just a change in attitude, that is the reason. yeah, there are a few things I know for sure, but the rest is up in the air. Just don't ask me what is and is not. I prolly won't say.
There are also plenty of things right now that are NOT making me happy, quite the opposite in fact. Some I've posted about here. Some I've posted about elsewhere. Some I've spoken about. Some I have internalized. Some I have plans to change. Some I've chosen to deal with. Some I don't have the foggiest idea what to do about, and under my present mindset, I'm not worried about it right now.
OK, that being said, I hope that clears up some things for some friends. I know I can occasionally be hard to read (and other times painfully obvious), and that i tend to not show my emotions. I love you guys, and I appreciate your concern and your care. And I'm afraid that I haven't been the most helpful in my explanations of late. Maybe this will help.