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29 January 2004 @ 09:11 am
How Can A Movie Nut Such As I Hate So Many Movies?  
As usual, the upcoming crop of flicks is a source of pleasure and pain to me.

For instance, on one end of the spectrum, we have M. Night Shyamalan's newest, The Village. THAT'S lookin' good, so far...which is nice to see, since so far, M. Night hasn't impressed me, at all. In fact, in some ways, he's annoyed me, so I'm hoping for the best.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have Van Helsing, which has already pissed me off...and he worst part is that everyone else is gonna LOVE it, and I won't see or hear the end of it for months on end. Once again, Hollywood is taking established stories and characters and just winging it, making a film that is going to LOOK gorgeous, and all the kiddies are gonna cream their panties over it, and no one is going to stand up for what is being raped.

The site alone makes me wanna puke: (speaking of the classic Universal monsters, fucked over in this film) "Honoring their legacy while propelling them into the next generation of cinema, Sommers [the director] turns what was once classic into cutting edge." Yeah, in other words, changed them completely, used as much CGI as possible, and never looked back. Honouring their legacy, my ass. Right off the bat, have any of these people actually READ "Dracula"?!? Van Helsing was NOT a monster-hunter, he was a doctor. PERIOD. And now we're supposed to accept that all these monsters are conveniently in the same place at the same time and none of these people have moved away from them? And, oh lucky us, enter "famous monster hunter" Van Helsing, also conveniently, is now a member of some secret order, which I guess will explain all his amazing weaponry that makes no sense either. Hell, why add any sort of explanation for anything NOW? All we need now is a dual soundtrack (one, previously unheard modern rock; the other, suitably dark and atmospheric background score), a love story (oh, we have that, Kate Beckinsale), and some witty and inappropriate banter betwixt VH and his prey (yes, check, got that, too).

Congrats, you have the next trendy film that all the kids will think is OH SO WONDERFUL, there'll be a shitload of fan sites for Hugh Jackman (well, more than there are now), plenty of people deciding they like 'monster films', and talking about how this is SO MUCH BETTER than the originals, I'll see a million and one icons of the principle characters, and it'll be merchandised to the nth degree. The DVD will be rushed out with 15 hours of 'special features', none of which will do more than tip the hat towards Universal's creations, and another chunk of history will disappear into the cracks of Pop Culture.

Fuck You.

Now, off the spectrum entirely, we have The Lost Skeleton Of Cadavra, which I'm MASSIVELY looking forward to. Made to be a spoof of all the old serials and monster flicks, it's so overdone as to be preposterous...and looks like ass-loads of fun. It's 'off the spectrum' because these guys didn't care about making a film that would win Oscars and impress the Pop Culture Plebes, they just made a film that was funny and that they wanted to do. Kudos to them, and kudos again.
delilahbowie on January 29th, 2004 09:25 am (UTC)
your ire is impressive. you must find a lot to hate about the average American.
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: AMPDarchmage on January 29th, 2004 09:27 am (UTC)
Too much, I fear.
delilahbowie on January 29th, 2004 09:58 am (UTC)
eh, you are always kind to individuals. i think it's hive mind you dislike.
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: Burn The Worldarchmage on January 29th, 2004 10:09 am (UTC)
Absolutely. What I hate is the tendency for the average Human to blindly follow along with anything without stopping to use a single brain cell to consider any part of it for anything...mindlessly going on, not a thought in the world.
delilahbowie on January 29th, 2004 10:46 am (UTC)
although i will say, sometimes an entertainment appeals mostly for the bells and whistles, and the last thing people want to do when they are relaxing is think about it. it's sort of an "ooh, look at the pretty colors" response. gratuitous violence, orchestrated sex, monkeys with guns, that sort of thing.
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: Smackdown (Anger)archmage on January 29th, 2004 11:16 am (UTC)
Which I can sort of respect, in the 'relaxation' kind of sense...but at the same time, "entertainers" are taking advantage of that fact, and no one seems to care. It's not that I am against the idea of being able to zone out occasionally, it's that I don't like that these companies are making it so you HAVE to do that, or else it falls apart...and that so many people are allowing it to go on..
stig_mata on January 29th, 2004 09:26 am (UTC)
you make your chaos icon there?
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: AMPDarchmage on January 29th, 2004 09:29 am (UTC)
Yeah, just did that one a few days ago. Easily becoming one of my fave icons that I've made.
stig_mata on January 29th, 2004 09:36 am (UTC)
i'm diggin it...

of course i have a chaos symbol tattooed on my right shoulder so i'm probably biased....
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: Jet (Cowboy Bebop)archmage on January 29th, 2004 10:04 am (UTC)
stig_mata on January 29th, 2004 10:09 am (UTC)
no pix of mine but it's on the top of my shoulder where the ball joint is & solid black
(Deleted comment)
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: Red Ant - ibdreamyarchmage on January 29th, 2004 09:33 am (UTC)
Well, wasn't exactly intended as a comic bit, but anytime I can bring a smile to your face, I'm happy. ;)
(Deleted comment)
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: We Think It's Funnyarchmage on January 29th, 2004 10:04 am (UTC)
LOL...I can see that, yeah.
Mauler_mauler_ on January 29th, 2004 09:49 am (UTC)
Well I'm looking forward to VH :PPPP

1) I've not actually seen any of the old Universal classics...YET.

2) I heard it's based on a comic.

3) I never forget the origionals - I respect my Horror, as often older is better.

God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: Jet (Cowboy Bebop)archmage on January 29th, 2004 10:06 am (UTC)
It wouldn't surprise me at all to find it's based on a comic. That won't make me any less annoyed, but it sure will add to the fanbase.

Never seen them? Man, get thee to the video store.
The Cynic: nycdiscordian on January 29th, 2004 10:33 pm (UTC)
Maybe a book store, too.
ex_cyanidesg863 on January 29th, 2004 10:09 am (UTC)
The least they could have done was stuck with Romanian folklore monsters, not Mary Shelley for christ's sake. When will they learn? They fucked up The League royally because they screwed with the characters so much... now this. Ugh.
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll: Worship Chaosarchmage on January 29th, 2004 10:29 am (UTC)
Exactly. Somehow, though, I still ended up pretty much liking LXG, so I'm hoping that the same thing happens with Van Helsing. Hope springs eternal, right?
fear & loathing on capitol hill: kittygonzo_md on January 29th, 2004 10:37 am (UTC)
I liked LXG too, it was good mindless entertainment, and Connery is always a good bet.

(Forget about "Entrapment"...::shiver::)
fear & loathing on capitol hillgonzo_md on January 29th, 2004 10:33 am (UTC)
I've been looking forward to Van Helsing since I heard buzz about it last year, and from the looks of the trailer, it would have to suck quite badly for me to disappointed.

As for The Village, I'm also putting high hopes into that one, as M. Night is truly a master of his craft.

And I want Cadavra to come out NOW!!!! No one's really going to find it funny except for people like you & I, who can appreciate a massively funny spoof on a near-forgotten genre. I think most people in this generation are going to sit there going, "Huh?...." when they see trailers for that. Sad...
The Cynic: I would run.discordian on January 29th, 2004 10:25 pm (UTC)
Well... for the second day in a row you've launched a blitzkrieg on my eyes. I watched the trailer to Van Helsing. Walked away with pretty much every thought and feeling you did. Not to mention, I simply love it when people refer to that big monster as simply "Frankenstein". I'll never get tired of that one. But I digress... I attempted to discuss this little creation with several people at the office. Six, to be exact. The farthest I got with any of them was "Van who?". I'm afraid that the "chunk of history" of which you speak has already been lost. This movie is just going to fill the gap with convenient and flashy bullshit.
Ms Katvenomous_one on January 30th, 2004 08:00 pm (UTC)
I never, ever forget the originals of such things, but I'll probably like VH.

I liked QotD, which is a big no-no. But I like the books too.

... And I they're still not showing Underworld here yet. Bastards.
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Rollarchmage on January 30th, 2004 09:47 pm (UTC)
QotD? OK, I'm non-functional at the moment...what am I missing?
Ms Katvenomous_one on January 31st, 2004 03:05 am (UTC)
Queen of the Damned? THe movie that was blasphemtic for Rice fans? I'm probably the only Rice fan that liked it.

I'm weird like that.
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Rollarchmage on January 31st, 2004 08:21 am (UTC)
Ah, yes, of course. I still haven't seen it, but that's more because I'm NOT a Rice fan.
Ms Katvenomous_one on January 31st, 2004 03:51 pm (UTC)
I'd recommend to see it, even just for the soundtrack, or the storyline that doesn't ring true to the books, or even just because it has vampires in leather?

One movie never to see.. The Forsaken. Pathetic vampire movie much? Yesiree.