I'm a vegetarian, which, as you know, means that I can't lift heavy objects
without snapping my spine. I'm secure enough to admit that I'm pale, frail,
and I love e-mail. (Hey, I think I just designed a t-shirt!) But there's a
plus side to my eating habits: I'll live to the age of 200 unless I get
trapped under something heavy, like a quilt. And unlike my mammal-eating
friends, I don't have to decide what sort of hideous death I want every time
I look at a menu.
For carnivores, there are two popular diet plans. The first one involves
eating anything that can't outrun you, whether said object is capable of
traversing your entire intestines or not. It's the most popular diet plan in
America and it's catching on around the world. This group of eaters prefers
as their method of demise the traditional, no-nonsense heart attack.
Then you have the low-carb dieters. This involves the active avoidance of
life-giving antioxidants while scarfing massive amounts of known carcinogens
until someone punches you to death for bragging about how much weight you
Some fast-trackers shed their mortal coil using such flashy methods as Mad
Cow, e.Coli and whatnot, but I consider that grandstanding.
Evidently, what we need is a DNRC Diet Plan designed especially for
Induhviduals. We need a volunteer to write a bestselling diet book that
benefits everyone except the people who use the diet. For example, I think
the diet plan should encourage the eating of whatever we think there's too
much of: lawyers, pigeons, cigarette butts, and that sort of thing.
Your first reaction might be that no one will eat horrible things just
because a diet book says you should. But I have a one-word response to your
short-sighted thinking: sauce.
That's right, sauce. Most people think that cows are delicious, but they
don't stop to think how much work went into changing the taste from its
original cow flavor. Realistically, you wouldn't order any kind of food that
was labeled "cow flavored." Fortunately, great cooks can disguise the flavor
of anything. If you try to tell me that Emeril Lagasse can't make delicious
chowder out of cigarette butts, then I say you haven't seen his show. The
man is a miracle worker.
Then there is the issue of health and nutrition. Ha ha! Just kidding. But
seriously, the sauce will make everything taste great.