God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll (archmage) wrote,
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll

Existence 2.0

Hello Universe Dweller,

This is your friendly local Deity talking to you on behalf of Divine Creations Inc.

Although our design for existence has functioned very well throughout the past 500 billion years, we here at Divine Creations feel it's time to make a few changes. We understand that even the best Divine Plans can slowly become obsolete due to rapid advances in evolution and the overall chaotic nature of our current program. This is why we plan on introducing Existence 2.0.

Unfortunately, while switching the entire universe over to Existence 2.0, we will need to bring life as you know it to a halt for a very brief period of time. As a result, on January 1st of the year 2005, the entire universe will blink out of existence between 8:00 and 10:00 p.m Pacific time, and then restart with Existence 2.0. We greatly regret any inconvenience caused by this, but it is necessary due to the inherent complexity involved in changing the universe as you know it.

Keep in mind, however, that Existence 2.0 is a worthwhile upgrade, because many previous bugs and glitches in Existence 1.8 will be fixed.

Several large problems will be fixed, such as the existence of Antarctica, a large and mostly useless continent left over from some bad programming code in Existence 1.23. Also, due to conflicts between the major world religions and an overall shortage of deities, we have decided to restructure the spiritual infrastructure in order to maximize the efficiency with which the universe operates. Unfortunately, in this process, there will be some layoffs. Christians, Catholics, Muslims, and Jews will now all be worshipping one deity, and due to excessive record keeping costs involved with running a holy trinity, Jesus and the holy ghost will also have to be laid off, along with Allah and Yahweh. Also, the number of Hindu gods will be cut from over 30,000 to four. Unfortunately, despite many requests, we will be unable to restore the credibility of the Catholic Church. Although this transition will be difficult for some, we can assure you that once completed, God's ways will be 70% less mysterious, and divine intervention will be up to 10% more efficient.

Also, many smaller problems in the programming will be changed due to popular request. Among the many smaller changes, Dr. Laura Schlessinger will no longer exist, Elvis Presley will no longer be dead, O.J. Simpson will be charged as guilty, and Osama bin Laden will be reborn as a young girl in Afghanistan with a tail and terrible flatulence.

We have also added many new features, such as time travel, cold fusion, extra-terrestrial life, and a new type of virus which is completely harmless except for making your laugh sound like Fran Drescher's for 3 weeks. Also, we have given deities more control over the universe to better life for all. For example, in Existence 2.0, any person whose cell phone goes off in a movie theatre or play will be smitten by the hand of God during the next available lightning storm. You may have seen the divine intervention system being tested prior to the release of Existence 2.0 when large, gas guzzling SUVs began to have tire blowouts and flip over randomly.

However, some features have been dropped completely. Heaven and Hell have proved to be extremely expensive to operate and maintain, so due to budget cuts, when you die, you will now rot in the ground. Also Portuguese, Catalán, Esperanto, and many other smaller regional dialects will now be replaced by real languages.

Thank you for your understanding during this transition,

The One True God, CEO of Divine Creations Inc.

System Requirements:

In order for Existence 2.0 to run, you need:

Any blank plane of space with galaxies, planets, and others miscellaneous floating chunks of rock

A large group of impressionable individuals willing to be handed all the answers by a small group of leaders

A deity management system capable of 3000 interventions per minute

Version History:

1.0: Existence created

1.12: Replace Antiquated Creationism theories with Feasible theory of Evolution and Big Bang theory.

1.23: Several continents added, Oceans changed from red to blue. Fixed bug causing earth to collide with sun when Parallel Universes are running in background.

1.4: Fixed glitch causing some small puppies to explode when catching frisbees. Existence now runs on Monotheistic belief structures as well as polytheistic.

1.8: Ducks reconfigured to act as waterfowl rather then food cooling devices, thereby solving the Refrigerator waste problems at many local parks.

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