God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll (archmage) wrote,
God of Thunder and Rock'n'Roll

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Offense, Anyone?

So, on the way to work this morning, caliban, 01flux, and I see this HORRID bright pastel-colored plastic Nativity Scene in front of a gas station, and it sparked a huge conversation about potential 'alternate' Nativity Scenes. So, at the risk and hope of offending at least SOMEONE, I present our ideas for Alternate Nativity Scenes.

The New York Nativity Scene
Joseph is a GoodFella, think Ray Liotta. Sharkskin suit, Italian loafers, suspicious bulge under the arm.
Mary is a typical Jewish American Princess, tight floral print dress, Gucci handbag, perfectly done hair, annoying accent
Baby Jesus is in Armani swaddling clothes, and already has his first pinkie ring.
The Wisemen are more like the 3 Made Men: Don Corleone, Don Federico, and Don Dinero, who come bearing a Sinatra record, a box of Cuban cigars, and a .45 automatic.
Instead of a manger in a barn, Jesus is in a little bassinet in a Catholic Church...but his Mama KNOWS he's God's gift to Man.
The Angel of the Lord is Rudy Giuliani.

The California Nativity Scene
Joseph is a long-haired, tie-dye wearing hippie.
Mary is most likely actually Mark, but still looks effeminate.
Baby Jesus's name is pronouned in the Hispanic way, and already has a full head of hair.
The Wisemen are Tommy Chong, Tommy Lee, and Tommy Hilfiger, and they come bearing Jamaican Red, Comlumbian Cocaine, and Hair Gel.
Instead of a manger in a barn, Jesus is in a cardboard box at the YMCA.
The Angel of the Lord is Jesse Jackson ('Listen to a declaration of God's proclamation of the situation, people!").

The Seattle Nativity Scene
Joseph is a geek.
Mary is a fetish model.
Baby Jesus is wrapped in flannel swaddling clothes, and has his ears pierced.
The Wisemen are Bill Gates, Eddie Vedder, and Jimi Hendrix, and they come bearing Arabica Beans, a Cappucino Machine, and a copy of Windows XP.
Instead of a manger in a barn, Baby Jesus is in a stroller outside of a Starbuck's.
The Angel of the Lord is Ichiro Suzuki, and no one can tell WHAT he is saying.

The Houston Nativity Scene
Joseph is a truck driver, big gut, CAT Loaders hat, chewing tobacco, and all.
Mary is a tube-top wearing, Winston-smoking trailer park lizard.
Baby jesus is wrapped in an old button-down, which was recently used to clean the truck.
The Wisemen are Hank Williams, Jr., Jonny Van Zant, and Willie Nelson, and they come bearing Skoal, Jack Daniels, and 'Alabama's Greatest Hits' on 8-Track.
Instead of a manger in a barn, Jesus is...well, never mind, he's in a manger in a barn.
The Angel of the Lord is Billy Graham, who seems to think he really IS the Angel of the Lord.

The Las Vegas Nativity Scene
Joseph is Elvis.
Mary is a hooker.
Baby Jesus is wrapped in a piece of stage curtain, and has a rattle with dice inside.
The Wisemen are Siegfried, Roy, and Hugh Hefner, and come bearing gambling chips, a bottle of vodka, and a condom.
Instead of a manger in a barn, Jesus is lying on a craps table in a casino...and people are playing the table around him anyway.
The Angel of the Lord is passed out in a hotel somewhere.

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