Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.
The RetroSexual Code:
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady, even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS WITH IT. Be it a flat tire, a break-in at your home, or a natural disaster, you just DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, you are to be saluted.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.
A Retrosexual should know how properly to kill stuff (including people) if need be. This falls under the "DEAL WITH IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual shall give up no more than a modicum of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only cause you to become a frou-frou little puss and, in the long run, she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress, such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, death of a favorite bird dog, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention to you. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.
Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexaul may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part. Other reasons must have the same significance.
A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservior Dogs, Fight Club,etc.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman, boards, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner, and can sing it without the butchering warbling associated with ebonic plague infection.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship; e.g., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance, etc.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. (Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land!)
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus not only to any woman, but any elderly person or person in military uniform (except officers above 2nd Lt). NOTE: Those in military uniform may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer and thank them for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract - a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. He understands that sometimes in the process of doing things he gets hurt, and he just DEALS WITH IT!