What do I really want in life? I want to see humanity evolve. More importantly, i want to see it enlightened. I'd like to see the mass of humanity step one more step closer to getting it's shit together and maybe getting off this rock. I'd like to see the species wake up one morning and say "Wow, you know, I just had an idea. Since we're all human, and we all live here, and we're all basically the same, why not actually get along? Why not cooperate and learn from each other? Why not leave each other be when it comes to the things that are of importance only to the individual, like race, sexual orientation, and religion, and instead focus on the things that are important to everyone, like NOT BLOWING EACH OTHER TO RATSHIT?"
Yeah, I'm not shooting for the moon or anything, huh?
Now, I am quite aware that I will probably never see this. I'm fine with that...but that does not stop me from trying, in my own way, to help the cause along so that maybe, just maybe, one day it WILL happen. I'm only one guy, so I am limited to what i can do...but I can do something. I look around me, and i see the things that work AGAINST that idea, and I work to change them. The question is, how do you do that, knowing that you won't get to finish it?
I know I didn't take an easy road. But I chose a path and I walk it. I choose to point out the crutches that mankind leans on, and work to remove them, that people might stand tall and walk straight on their own. This means that I end up pointing out things that make no sense, are foolish, or exist only to belittle another. I'm aware that this puts me in opposition to a lot of people, sometimes my friends, and that people like to hold on to their crutches, because they are comfortable. But those crutches are exactly what has gotten us in most of the messes we are in today.
Do I enjoy being seen as crazy, argumentative, and an asshole? No, not particularly. But the alternative is to quit, give up the goal, and be like everyone else...and that i cannot do. I'm not sorry to say, i can't just quit pointing out the things that are stupid and be another vapid TV zombie, more concerned with "American Idol" than anything else. I can't just stop showing how useless prejudices are and be scared at every little thing. Yes, there is something I cannot do...I cannot step down from the place i have found, and I cannot give up the view and put blinders on.
At the same time, I am human.
I need the things that everyone needs. And I hurt just like everyone hurts. And it is very hard to stick to the plan when, at every turn, you are called down for pointing out the stupidities of life. When nearly every time you try to bring people together, both sides end up hating you. Is there no one else out there who thinks and feels as i do? Does no one else out there tire of the bullshit and wish to end it, bad enough to actually TRY? Sure, people have agreed with my ideas, but do they join me in making that difference? Rarely, and even then not for long.
I'd dearly love to say 'that's it, no more, I quit'. But I don't, and I won't. But you know what REALLY bugs me the most? The feeling that, if i DID quit, no difference would be made, at least not by me. Sheer odds say that there's others like me out there, so eventually someone's gotta make a change. No, that's not what bugs me the most, i take it back. What bugs me the most is the fact that what I attempt would make the species as a whole happier, healthier, and more productive...and yet, I'm seen as viral to the species. Not only do I feel unappreciated for what I do, I feel downright reviled most of the time.
Can you even begin to imagine what that is like?
Sure, anyone with an agenda gets hounded by the opposition, and they press on, assured of the righteousness of their crusade...but they HAVE a crusade, and fellow crusaders of a similar mind. They can take comfort in their fellows. I have no fellows on this crsade. No organization, no meetings, no conspirators. Just me, taking the full measure of anything thrown at me. And continuing to fight, and taking the brunt of the assault.
Day in, day out. Very rarely, I see other human beings, for a few short moments, but those times are few and far between, Even then, we are in separate worlds...and those few visits cannot make up for the rest of the time. 99% of the time, I see no one, I talk to no one. I see one person, my wife...and being the person I am, I defer my own pain to be there for her. The rest of the time, I am alone, with nothing for company but a pair of animals in a cage, and another pair which drive me crazy and who I'd dearly love to stuff and mount on the wall.
I'm losing my mind. This shouldn't be too much of a problem, since everyone thinks I'm crazy, anyway. I must be crazy. No sane person would deal with this, much less set themselves up to have it continue on and on. I'm so tired, so very tired of being called down for trying to help others.
I think I need to go away. Go away from humanity completely, from any notice or mention of other beings...just somewhere that not only do I see no one, but where i don't have any contact at all. That way, I have nothing to be upset by, and I can't poison the well with my bile. Humanity can go blindly on, without my interference, and no one has to hate me anymore.