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15 April 2004 @ 11:51 pm
Fuck All This, And Fuck You Too  
As most people know, I'll talk to anyone. I'll be there for anyone, and I'll do whatever I can. All I want to do is make humanity a little happier...and admittedly, i have an odd way of doing that sometimes. But there's a reason for it.

What do I really want in life? I want to see humanity evolve. More importantly, i want to see it enlightened. I'd like to see the mass of humanity step one more step closer to getting it's shit together and maybe getting off this rock. I'd like to see the species wake up one morning and say "Wow, you know, I just had an idea. Since we're all human, and we all live here, and we're all basically the same, why not actually get along? Why not cooperate and learn from each other? Why not leave each other be when it comes to the things that are of importance only to the individual, like race, sexual orientation, and religion, and instead focus on the things that are important to everyone, like NOT BLOWING EACH OTHER TO RATSHIT?"

Yeah, I'm not shooting for the moon or anything, huh?

Now, I am quite aware that I will probably never see this. I'm fine with that...but that does not stop me from trying, in my own way, to help the cause along so that maybe, just maybe, one day it WILL happen. I'm only one guy, so I am limited to what i can do...but I can do something. I look around me, and i see the things that work AGAINST that idea, and I work to change them. The question is, how do you do that, knowing that you won't get to finish it?

I know I didn't take an easy road. But I chose a path and I walk it. I choose to point out the crutches that mankind leans on, and work to remove them, that people might stand tall and walk straight on their own. This means that I end up pointing out things that make no sense, are foolish, or exist only to belittle another. I'm aware that this puts me in opposition to a lot of people, sometimes my friends, and that people like to hold on to their crutches, because they are comfortable. But those crutches are exactly what has gotten us in most of the messes we are in today.

Do I enjoy being seen as crazy, argumentative, and an asshole? No, not particularly. But the alternative is to quit, give up the goal, and be like everyone else...and that i cannot do. I'm not sorry to say, i can't just quit pointing out the things that are stupid and be another vapid TV zombie, more concerned with "American Idol" than anything else. I can't just stop showing how useless prejudices are and be scared at every little thing. Yes, there is something I cannot do...I cannot step down from the place i have found, and I cannot give up the view and put blinders on.

At the same time, I am human.

I need the things that everyone needs. And I hurt just like everyone hurts. And it is very hard to stick to the plan when, at every turn, you are called down for pointing out the stupidities of life. When nearly every time you try to bring people together, both sides end up hating you. Is there no one else out there who thinks and feels as i do? Does no one else out there tire of the bullshit and wish to end it, bad enough to actually TRY? Sure, people have agreed with my ideas, but do they join me in making that difference? Rarely, and even then not for long.

I'd dearly love to say 'that's it, no more, I quit'. But I don't, and I won't. But you know what REALLY bugs me the most? The feeling that, if i DID quit, no difference would be made, at least not by me. Sheer odds say that there's others like me out there, so eventually someone's gotta make a change. No, that's not what bugs me the most, i take it back. What bugs me the most is the fact that what I attempt would make the species as a whole happier, healthier, and more productive...and yet, I'm seen as viral to the species. Not only do I feel unappreciated for what I do, I feel downright reviled most of the time.

Can you even begin to imagine what that is like?

Sure, anyone with an agenda gets hounded by the opposition, and they press on, assured of the righteousness of their crusade...but they HAVE a crusade, and fellow crusaders of a similar mind. They can take comfort in their fellows. I have no fellows on this crsade. No organization, no meetings, no conspirators. Just me, taking the full measure of anything thrown at me. And continuing to fight, and taking the brunt of the assault.

Day in, day out. Very rarely, I see other human beings, for a few short moments, but those times are few and far between, Even then, we are in separate worlds...and those few visits cannot make up for the rest of the time. 99% of the time, I see no one, I talk to no one. I see one person, my wife...and being the person I am, I defer my own pain to be there for her. The rest of the time, I am alone, with nothing for company but a pair of animals in a cage, and another pair which drive me crazy and who I'd dearly love to stuff and mount on the wall.

I'm losing my mind. This shouldn't be too much of a problem, since everyone thinks I'm crazy, anyway. I must be crazy. No sane person would deal with this, much less set themselves up to have it continue on and on. I'm so tired, so very tired of being called down for trying to help others.

I think I need to go away. Go away from humanity completely, from any notice or mention of other beings...just somewhere that not only do I see no one, but where i don't have any contact at all. That way, I have nothing to be upset by, and I can't poison the well with my bile. Humanity can go blindly on, without my interference, and no one has to hate me anymore.
oldergoddess on April 16th, 2004 01:54 am (UTC)
I don't know who hates you
HUGS hon. Relax and really think about whom you are letting get to you. 1. are they worth it?
2. do they really matter that much to you that you would throw in everything you believe in?
I realize you said you will not quit, good, but don't let small people get your down, ok!
Take care and have a rockin weekend.
Scarletscarletdemon on April 16th, 2004 03:57 am (UTC)
Hey beautiful, I think you're right and I appreciate your battle...you're not crazy.
Marla Mae: oh pleasemsmarlamae on April 16th, 2004 06:24 am (UTC)
And by going away you become the bitter recluse who gave up.

Life is tough, you know this more than anyone, and you've always stood in the path of the freight train and yelled your fury.

Don't stop now.

Good Rant btw
superfledermaus on April 16th, 2004 06:26 am (UTC)
If it helps anything at all dude.. The advice you gave me when shit was rough was more than enough.. It was sound, it was harsh at points, but it was stuff I needed to hear. More importantly, you let me do what it was that I needed to do..vent. Like I said before, I never had a dad, well I did, but he was emotionally and usually physically unavailable.. Technically so far you're the closest thing I've had, and that feels good. Granted I don't call as much as I should, and I should probably send more christmas cards, but no one's perfect you know. Not trying to make you feel old here bud, but believe it or not, you do affect some people's lives.

Reinventionsempereadem on April 16th, 2004 07:42 am (UTC)
I added this to my memories.

And you're not crazy. Just sensitive and intelligent.
Phoenix: Why? Why Not?shannon_elaine on April 16th, 2004 08:10 am (UTC)
I don't hate you. Or even see how anyone could. I don't think you're crazy either. I think you're pretty amazing and I wish more people thought the way that you do.
dream_seer on April 16th, 2004 08:14 am (UTC)
I could say so much to this, but aside from I understand, and you aren't alone, nothing much would matter right now I think. I do sympathize with this entire post, being there myself in a rather similar way. Give me a shout if you need an ear, ever. I mean it.
Roociferroocifer on April 16th, 2004 08:19 am (UTC)
You know, you're not the only one who gets tired of standing up and speaking out the truths people are too comfortable to want to hear. *hug*
But you're also right...it's not like the choice to quit is a valid one.
The only way I can handle it is to be incredibly whacky when I just can't take the blind anymore.

Subversive where I can be. Question everything. Convert everyone.
And my favorite motto/rallying cry lately?

Comfort the disturbed, disturb the comfortable.
Just because it says it all.

People appreciate you Frank. Even when you piss them off.
Thank you for helping make others use their heads for something besides a hat rack. The rest of us out here can't do it alone. :)
Just a Girl: Mellow Resigned Straightforwardsandmansister on April 16th, 2004 08:42 am (UTC)

I have always had the utmost respect and liking for you... for what it's worth. I'm sorry that most people aren't built to handle your level of intellect, responsibility and emotional maturity. I'm sorry for whatever built up to cause this reaction in you and can relate all too well to how you feel, almost across the board.

Bottom line? No hate here. Don't know you well but from your honesty and openness here I can't see that day ever arriving.

Virtual hugs to ya.
There is no cure for curiosity.random_girl on April 16th, 2004 09:50 am (UTC)
I picked up your LJ when I first moved into the area because you game and you live somewhere near Seattle.

I was pretty bummed because I gave up everything to come here and take this job, and I primarily did it because I love my husband and I know he wanted to come home.

I was lonely. I didn't feel very connected. I'm finally starting to get my feet under me and not feel so isolated. I like to say that this was in part because of LJ, and friends on my list like you. I don't know you well, never met you in real life, but I am interested in your world, and especially your world view. We share that world view from time to time, and I appreciate that.

I would miss you if you were gone, and I think you'd miss having a place to discuss your thoughts. Can any one person (or group of people)be so bad that you give up a part of yourself for them? I mean, don't we only willingly change for the people we love or at least like?

Anyway, I hope that you stick around. Stupid people are breeding, it's true. But there are some smart ones, too. The world hasn't imploded. Democracy (in whatever fucked up form we have right now) still exists. There is still hope.

I hope you find it.
zombiedip on April 16th, 2004 10:02 am (UTC)
As Zach said, you do affect some people's lives. Some of us more then others *points to self*. People are lazy and they don't seem to give a shit. They don't think. Taking on a battle of that size is bound to have its toll on you from time to time. Sounds like you might need to take a few steps back for a little while to reload is all.

I'm just as guilty as the rest from time to time. I do try to be the best person I can and do the right thing. Believe it or not when I fail at my attempts I do feel like I've let you down. I try not to give up though and move forward with my attempts at helping to advance the evolution of the human race.

You are a sensitive person and put your heart into everything you say. That's why you are so deeply affected by people’s actions and reactions. I know you try to put up a front from time to time, and maybe I'm wrong here, but when you are asked for advice or put in your two cents on a subject if you are ignored or disregarded it chips away at you.

Just remember that there are some of us out here that believe in the same things that you believe in. We may be a small number now, but the only way to continue to grow is to spread the word. It's taking so long because people are afraid of change, especially if it means they have to work harder to make the changes happen.

I love you so much baby. You are the one who saved me both physically and emotionally. For that I am forever grateful.
unhappymeal on April 16th, 2004 10:31 am (UTC)
Buddy, you're probably the coolest, most like-minded friend I've made on LJ yet. It's amazing I didn't meet you sooner. I'm blown away by this post. It makes me want to start a community that vies for change in this world the way you envision it. You've summed up so much, and I would be proud to contribute to your vision in any way I can.

In many ways, I've been longing for this change too. I skirt around it with distractions, but ultimately I'd like to see our species united in progress and health as well. I wish to see our world in ultimate harmony, with all life balanced and appreciative of where we are and what we have been given (a livable planet). Our current state is (IMO)humanity as a virus that will eventually kill our planet. I'm not sure if your views are dead-on with mine, but they sound pretty familiar (though I've never been able to really express them).

I thank you for expressing all this to us. Your fight isn't in vain.
Ms Kat: Anubis by Syreenevenomous_one on April 16th, 2004 10:32 pm (UTC)
I think you're great. Great person, great Archmage type figure that we all respect.

And even though I'm a stranger on the otherside of the world behind a screen, your cyber pats on the shoulder with a *there-there* tossed in, really do make me nod *thanks* friend.

Good rant! *smiles*